


Words Unspoken Are Better Left Unsaid

by xXNerdFighterXx



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4546911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXNerdFighterXx/pseuds/xXNerdFighterXx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Leo wanted was for Raph to speak his mind; to open up, let it out, and tell him what he really thought. Too bad what Leo doesn't realize is that some unspoken words are better left unsaid... Takes place after the events of "The Wrath of Tiger Claw". Microscopic Leo/Raph slash. Rated T for Raph's foul language. Nominated for Best Raphael in the Stealthy Stories Fan Fiction Comp!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was the unsettling whimpers that made Raphael tighten his fingers around his arms in a vice-like grip.

The sound of Mikey’s pain reverberated from the infirmary down to the end of the hall where he stood, his shoulder pressed up against the wall in a lackadaisical manner as he tried not to pay too much attention to the sound of his brother’s discomfort. Teeth ground tight and muscles coiled with aggravated tautness, he tried to no avail to quell his fueling anger, his tired eyes forcibly resting on Casey Jones lying lifelessly on the couch while April hovered over him with a damp washcloth and some bandages; tending to his wounds. It had been hours since their encounter with Tiger Claw and Raphael noticed Jones was still having a little bit of trouble getting some rest – the painkillers April was shoving down his throat doing little to nothing to ease the throbbing pain. Though he wasn’t really the nurturing type, Raph offered to be of some assistance with anything April or Casey needed, but with every sound that passed through Mikey’s bruised, battered mouth, Raphael couldn’t help but freeze and fold his arms tighter against his plastron, the sound of his younger brother’s clipped cries leaving an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Absentmindedly, he rested a hand over the lower part of his plastron, fingers numb from gripping his arms, yet they trembled anxiously without Raphael even noticing. This all could’ve been prevented, he curled his fingers into a shaky, tight fist.

_This all would’ve never happened if it wasn’t for … for…._

Allowing his thoughts to wander, Raphael stiffened at the sound of footsteps coming his way, his head lifted just an inch; eyes locked onto his eldest brother. Though he carried himself with caution, Raphael could still detect a hint of vulnerability in Leonardo’s gloomy, remorseful eyes, his shoulders hunched just a tad and his head lowered, but not enough to mess up his posture. In a way, it ticked Raphael off. Not even the element of death hanging over their youngest brother’s shoulders was enough to shove Leo off his damn high horse? Who the hell did he think he was?

“How’s he doing?” Leo asked, the tone of his voice held just above a whisper.

“Dunno. Donnie won’t let me in until he comes out,” Raphael answered, his gaze locked strictly on Leonardo as he folded his arms across his chest, pressing himself harder against the cold, cobblestoned wall. “Screams are dying down a bit if that’s any indication.”

“Oh. Well…” He didn’t exactly know how to respond with that, his hands fidgeting as he shifted from foot to foot. Inwardly, Raphael smiled at his brother’s discomfort. “Hopefully Donnie will be able to patch him back up. Nothing ever seems to knock Mikey down for good so I’m sure he’ll bounce back real soon.”

“Yeah? And what’re you gonna do when that happens? Send us all back to the fields again so we can get our shells handed to us?” Raphael snarled, pushing himself away from the wall to get into Leo’s face. “You saw how bad Tiger Claw messed Mikey up and what did you wanna do? Your happy ass wanted to go after Karai, your little princess of destruction. If it wasn’t for me, Mikey would be wallowing in a puddle of his own blood right about now.”

Leonardo took a step back from his brother, his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. “What are you trying to say, Raph? That this is all my fault?”

The corners of Raph’s mouth tugged into a highly amused grin. “Well, whaddya know? Fearless Leader’s actually thinking with his head instead of his dick. Turtles first, right Leo? Bullshit.” “How can you say that?” Leo yelled, this time taking a step toward Raphael to get into his face.

“How can you stand there and call me out on all of this when all I was trying to do was reunite Master Splinter with the daughter he thought he lost all those years ago? I was bringing Karai to our side. I was giving her a chance to unleash all that potential she poses. All the good she carries inside of her.”

“Oh my God,” Raphael groaned, throwing his head back before shooting his arms up in frustration. “You’re not seeing the big picture, Leo! Karai is evil. She was raised by the Shredder and was fed lies throughout her childhood. Whatever ‘good’ she carries inside of her got squashed by her precious Daddy Dearest a long time ago. Face facts, Leo. Once an enemy, always an enemy.”

“No, you’re wrong about her!” Leo yelled, but Raphael wanted nothing more to do with this conversation, shaking his head and turning his back on Leo before he retreated down the hall to his room. With clenched fingers, Leonardo followed right behind him. “You just need to give her a chance.”

“Ohoho, really?” Raphael chuckled derisively. He was only a few steps away from his room before he spun around on his heels and jabbed an accusing finger at Leonardo’s plastron, the exasperated forcefulness of it making the katana-wielder grind his teeth and snarl. “You’ve given her enough chances, Leo. We all have, including me back at the docks. She’s proven multiple times that she’s not interested in turning over a new leaf, but the second you sense even an _ounce_ of compassion, it’s like your common sense just flies out the window. Bringing her back to the Lair? Are you kidding me?!”

“Raph—”

“No! I’m done with this conversation, Leo. You can go back to the living room with the others and pretend you give a shit about Mikey’s injuries or go out and rescue your little Princess of the Foot. I don’t care. Just get out of my sight and leave me alone!”

“ _Raph_!” Leo yelled, forcing his body in between the crack in the doorway before Raphael had a chance to slam it shut. The edge of the door banged right against Leo’s shell, pushing the front of his body against the entranceway and nearly knocking his chin against the solid edge, pain bolting throughout his body.

Anger boiling, Raphael clenched his fists and ordered Leo to get out of his room, the leader doing nothing but letting his brother’s words go through one ear and out the other. Stepping inside, he closed the door behind him in a calm and composed manner, making sure he and his brother did nothing more to cause a scene and get others involved in their disagreement. Right now, it was just between him and Raph and no matter how they decided to settle this – if they even settled this at all – Leo wanted no third party stepping in on their argument and causing them to separate. They needed to resolve things here and now and that’s what Leo was intended to do. Even if it took all night and carried on to the next morning.

He could wait.

Silence settled and the darkness of Raph’s room draped over the two brothers in a blanket of overwhelming tension, the faint glow of Raphael’s Halloween pumpkin decoration outlining the ridges of each of their stiff muscles. For a moment, neither of them said anything, each staring darkly into the others’ temper-infused eyes, a smoldering fire igniting the pigments of forest green and ocean blue. Neither one of them moved even an inch, but when Leo allowed the strain in his shoulders to retract and relax, Raphael immediately opened fire and let his brother have it with what was running through his mind.

“How many times does she have to betray you before you finally decide to throw in the towel?” It was clearly a question, but Raphael wasn’t looking for an answer as he continued to speak, not even giving Leo anytime to come up with a response. “She’s Master Splinter’s daughter, Leo, I understand that. Technically, she’s family and with the way we are and how we look, family’s pretty much all we can rely on. Before we met April, before we met Casey, we couldn’t trust anybody we met up in the surface—”

“But we did, and look what came out of it,” Leonardo interrupted, referring to the only human friends him and his brothers had. “We gave them a chance, Raph, just like I gave Karai a chance. It’s different with her because of the background she has. Falling under the tutelage of the Shredder – being lied to her entire life – she’s not just going to come at us with open arms over night. These things take time…”

“Yeah? And how much ‘time’ do you think it’ll take before she turns around and stabs us in the back again, huh?” Raphael asked, his arms crossed over his plastron in a defiant manner, the orange glow igniting the fire that was still burning deep within his evergreen irises.

Staring hopefully back into his younger brother’s face, Leonardo tried with as much fortitude as he could muster to not appear beaten, letting Raph’s words wash over him like the calming waves before the storm. But even in the darkness, Raph could still detect the effect his words had on his older brother, making him appear vulnerable, even just for a moment. He couldn’t give in though. Not like this. Whatever it took, Leo had to understand…

Unfolding his arms, Raphael took one more step toward his brother and raised his hand just a tad, as if he had intentions of resting it atop of one of Leo’s shoulders. At the last second, however, he quickly drew it back and rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture, his gaze turned away so that he wasn’t looking directly into Leo’s eyes.

“Leo, look … biological or not, Karai is the daughter of our sworn enemy – the same man who intended to kill our sensei, _our father_! If you can’t understand why I _don’t_ want her to become a part of this family, then…” He shook his head slowly, eyes searching for any hint or clue that would make him understand, make him realize what it was Leo saw in Karai that kept him interested – kept him determined to go crawling back to her every chance she screwed things up or left him heartbroken. He couldn’t fathom why anyone would submit themselves to this kind of torture and as he stood there, staring into Leo’s soft, overwhelmingly incomprehensible eyes, Raphael couldn’t help but curl his fingers into tight, shaky, frustrated fists.

“Is that what this is really about?” Leonardo asked, the placating tenor of his voice causing the Sai-wielder to look up, staring straight into his older brother’s still, composed face. “You’re afraid of Karai coming into our family? But why?”

Raphael couldn’t help but produce a loud, impolite snort. “Ain’t you been listening to all the stuff I said earlier? I don’t trust her. After all she’s done—”

“But not everything she’s done has been bad, Raphael.” Leo barked, causing his younger brother to flinch at the emphasis of his full name, the tension in his shoulders growing rigid. “She offered to provide us with weaponry from her father to use against the Kraang. She spared Master Splinter’s life before he was taken out by the hands of the Shredder. Now that she fully understands the truth about her real father, she turned against everything she believed in just so that she could protect us. Why, after all of that, do you still not trust her?”

“I just … don’t,” Raphael answered lamely, earning a stern glower from his blue-masked brother, the look pushing Raphael to glare and snarl right back. “Don’t give me that look.”

“Why don’t you trust her, Raph? Tell me,” Leonardo demanded, closing the distance between Raphael and himself, his gaze never faltering whereas Raph did everything he could to look anyone other than Leo’s glowering stare. “Please, Raphael…”

“Leo, don’t…”

“I just want to know—”

“I already told you.”

“That’s not the reason and you know it, Raph,” Leo said with a glare. “I can see it in your eyes – your posture. Why don’t you trust her, Raph? Tell me and I promise I’ll drop this entire thing.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“No, you’re the one who’s full of shit!” Leonardo shouted, his face now only inches away from Raphael’s surprised, stunned expression; his mouth hanging open just a tad before he pursed his lips and took a cautious step back. Though he was usually seen as the tougher, stronger turtle who never backed down without a fight, Raphael felt an overwhelming pressure emanate from Leo’s taller, firm-standing body; from the top of his head to the tips of his twitching, anxious fingers. In a situation such as this, he had absolutely no idea what to do, feeling as though he were being backed into a corner, his heart ramming viciously against his chest from the close proximity between him and his brother.

He couldn’t speak, for his mouth was entirely too dry to utter a single word. Couldn’t breathe, because the claustrophobic space between him and Leo was all too suffocating. Couldn’t think, because the look Leonardo was shooting his way – a dark, unwavering glower of imperturbable exasperation – was burning through his wide, agitated eyes and scrambling his brain from any cohesive thoughts.

Raphael spit out not a single word, so Leo did all of the talking for him.

“Are you afraid she’ll hurt me?” Leonardo asked, his tone rising just above a whisper; a question Raphael wasn’t even sure he heard correctly despite them being at such a close distance from one another. With a small intake of breath, Raphael clenched his teeth and turned away from his brother, an action that caused Leonardo to take one small step back, his gaze never faltering, though his stance wavered in response. Head lowered toward the ground, unsure of what to say, Leo quickly looked back up, unsure of why his brother was trying so desperately not to look him in the eyes. “Is that why you don’t trust her, Raph?”

“I-I…” He paused, his eyes flitting back and forth across Leo’s concerned, yet gentle face, the sporadic acceleration of his heart going into overdrive. “…I gotta go check on Mikey—”

“Raph, wait!” Leo stood in front of him, acting as a barrier before his red-masked brother got the chance to brush past him and walk away, his arms stretched out to make it more difficult. He stared hard at Raphael trapped before him, his eyes trailing over every feature, every mark on his perspiring, nervous face. He wasn’t sure why such a topic would make Raphael so uncomfortable, but he could sense it diffusing strongly from the way his younger brother’s limbs shook in such a rigid fashion.

It pained Leo to see the strongest of his brother’s in such a vulnerable state such as this. But he had to know. Had to understand…

“Raph, I … I can handle my own in a fight. You know that, right?”

“That’s not what I’m afraid of, Leo,” Raphael spoke, flicking his eyes up at his brother before staring back down at the ground beneath them.

Leo tilted his head ever so slightly, trying to get Raphael to look at him dead in the eyes. “Then what are you afraid of, Raph?”

“Shit, I’m … you know I ain’t good at stuff like this, Leo,” his younger brother stuttered, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, his eyes still focused on the ground instead of at his brother’s face.

“Then let me help you, Raph,” Leo urged desperately.

“You just don’t get it,” Raphael growled, pushing past Leo with enough brute force to bruise his shoulder, his steps rushed and terrified as he reached out for the door handle.

“Then help me understand!” Leonardo shouted, causing his brother to stop where he stood, his fingers merely ghosting over the door handle. “For once, just … just let those shields down, Raph and _talk_ to me! Help me understand what is it that you’re feeling – what you’re thinking. I want you to open up, even just for this moment. Here and now. Please, Raphael. Let me inside your head….”

“I just don’t want her to play games with you!” Raphael shouted, catching his blue-masked brother completely off guard by the sudden rise of his voice. “It’s bad enough seeing April mess around with Donnie all the damn time. Flirting with him, giving him all these mixed feelings so the poor guy doesn’t know what the hell to feel. You’re in too deep, Leo. Karai’s already got you wrapped around her tiny little finger, but you’re too love struck to even realize what the hell’s going on. Not only that, but technically she’s our sister. Our goddamn _sister_ , Leo! Do you know how _wrong_ that is? How sick and twisted and … just…”

For the first time that night, Leo actually got a glimmer of what he thought were Raphael’s true feelings, that sudden spark flashing through his emerald green eyes that was instantly gone the second it popped up. At first, he spoke nothing of it, still quite unsure of whether he truly saw something or not. But when he looked – really looked into his brother’s frightened, panic-stricken face – Leo knew that what he saw clearly wasn’t an illusion and that thought alone made his body freeze at an immediate standstill, his mouth hung open, unsure of what to think.

“You’re … you’re not talking about Karai … are you?”

He opened his mouth to speak, intent on throwing a rebuttal back at his older brother, but the words immediately evaporated from Raphael’s tongue, causing him to freeze, his hand still hovering over the door handle with trembling fingers.

Unsure of what to say, he lowered his head and shut his eyes tight, opening the door with such force, the gust of wind was strong enough to brush back the tails of Leonardo’s bandana. He stood his ground, unsure if he could even move as he watched his younger brother duck out of his room, eager to get out of the tension-fueled quarters before muttering something under his breath.

“Like I said … you wouldn’t understand….”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Holy hell, this took a while to write. Sorry, guys, I just had some major insecurities with this chapter because I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. It's gone through many, many, MANY revisions and I wanna give a shout out to Lexifer666 for looking it over and giving me some helpful tips and pointers and an even BIGGER shout out to Novus Ordo Seclorum, who was an absolute doll and offered to beta this chapter to put my mind a little at ease. You guys rock and thank you so much for listening to my moaning and groaning and offering to help. I greatly appreciate it! *hugs for you both*
> 
> In all honesty, I never thought this story would do as well as it's doing so far and that both excites and terrifies me. D: I've always wanted to write a Leo/Raph fic, but now that I've got a rep to keep up with this story, I'm really going to have to crack down and make sure everything I write is polished to perfection! Hopefully I can handle it. Eek! We'll see!
> 
> Okay, I think I've rambled long enough. I hope you enjoy the chapter and feel free to shoot me a review when you're finished!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "(Do I wanna know?)  
> If this feeling flows both ways?  
> (Sad to see you go)  
> Was sort of hoping that you'd stay  
> (Baby we both know)  
> That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day" – Arctic Monkeys, "Do I Wanna Know"

There was no better option than to escape into the dead of night.

The brisk, summer winds lingered soothingly against Raphael’s face, like a lover’s kiss or the trace of a finger, tantalizing him as he swayed fluidly, back and forth. Shrouded beneath the blurred nightlife that was New York City, the atmosphere gradually lulled him into a calm, composed state of mind. He stared up at the poisoned clouds hanging languidly above him, allowing his thoughts to be carried away – if only for a moment.

He rested his arm atop his forehead, letting the other arm dangle precariously over the edge of the hammock; a swaying pendulum frozen in time. It was strange, finding such a thing tied to the clothes hanger poles that were usually set up for the cheaper boarding homes – the ones that normally couldn’t afford their own dryers. Raphael knew he always wanted one, but would never have any luck stumbling across a high-quality hammock that someone would be willing to just throw away. Mattresses be damned. He was a turtle of simple pleasures. Even something as little as a hammock could distill his temper and unscramble his thoughts; thoughts that raged like a whirlpool, flooding his mind.

‘What was Leo doing?’ was the big question of the night. It rang incessantly in his ears and left his head pounding and his stomach uneasy. He was too anxious to form a cohesive thought; instead, question after question, popped into his mind like an explosion of mind-inducing firecrackers.

What was Leo doing? Was he sitting near the turnstiles waiting for him to return home so they could pick up where they left off? Was he still thinking about the argument they had? What he thought about the mission? About Karai? Was he even still awake – lying down, face to the ceiling, trying to figure out the meaning behind those words? Had he noticed the look in his eyes when he detected that glimmer of vulnerability, stunned beyond comparison…?

Did … did he see right through his guise? Was he finally able to put the pieces together and look right through him – through his tough, hard-hitting exterior? All his life, pretending to be someone else, just so Leo would see past his flaws….

 _“You’re … you’re not talking about Karai … are you?”_ He could practically hear his brother’s voice echo tauntingly inside his head.

_“Like I said … you wouldn’t understand….”_

Gritting his teeth in a painful snarl, Raphael rolled off of the hammock and balled his hands into tight fists, knuckles white and popping sickeningly. What the hell was he thinking, allowing himself to slip up like that? Fifteen years spent concealing his inner demons and the moment he accidentally let them loose, Leo was able to pinpoint them without even so much as trying…

Well of course he did. After all, Leo always strove to become Master Splinter’s perfect little disciple, sucking up and making him and his brothers look bad with all his vigorous training and extra time spent learning how to quell his imperfections. What the hell gave him the right anyway? Because he was _better_ than everyone else? Because he trained better? Fought better? Worked out strategies better?

“Bullshit…” Raphael snorted.

He should have been the leader. Hell, he could’ve done a way better job than Leo did half of the time! He wouldn’t have overlooked Mikey’s injuries or demanded they rush over to Karai after Tiger Claw snatched her back. At least he understood Donnie’s and Mikey’s limitations. He didn’t throw them into the fire and expect them to come out unscathed, ready to take on more just at the drop of a hat. No. _Hell_ no! That’s not the kind of brother he’d _ever_ be!

Anger boiling, Raphael allowed a scream to tear free from his throat, gruff and raw. He slammed his fists repeatedly against the brick exit structure of the boarding house, his knuckles bruising and his skin splitting in various, tiny spaces. What the hell could he do? Leo was the leader and he hated every goddamn second of it. He hated it! Hated _him_. Hated the way he carried himself with arrogance and self-importance, like he was so damn better than everyone else just because Master Splinter awarded him the title of clan leader. He hated his tactics, the way he threw his weight around and would then get pissy if things didn’t turn out the way he planned, even when his strategies were stupid or downright sloppy. Hell, his poor planning was the reason why he and his brothers got hurt half the time! But of course Leo would never have the balls to admit that….

Raphael clenched his teeth out of sheer frustration, fingers curling and uncurling in a poor attempt at trying to compose himself. He just couldn’t stand Leo’s goddamn _face_. The way he walked. The way he talked. The way he looked down at everyone and treated them like they were nothing but _children_ ; acting all high and mighty like he was their second parent or something. He was an asshole, demanding he and his brothers all give him respect when he didn’t give it in return—didn’t even allow them to speak up during combat. He wanted nothing more than to wipe that goddamn smirk off his face—to cock his arm and let his fist sail straight through his teeth.

The dictator.

The goddamn tyrant.

Raphael hated … he hated Leo’s goddamn smile, the smug, half-curled smirk of all-knowing wiseacre; a smile that would be directed at him whenever he did something stupid or silly. And whenever he erred, Leo gave him a playfully hard time about it, just to make him laugh or smile in return….

Leo … his brother … his goddamn _brother_ ….

_“Do you know how wrong that is? How sick and twisted and … just…”_

“Just…” Raphael’s unfinished sentence dangled in the air, like a prisoner bound in chains, never to be mercifully handed the sanctity of freedom. He didn’t know what to feel, quite frankly because he didn’t _want_ to feel anything at all. Unable to cosign his emotions or restrain his inner demons, he gave Leonardo every reason not to trust him – as a combative partner or a brother.

He felt unworthy – unworthy of even being by Leonardo’s side – a brother in arms stewing in his own pot of misguided feelings. Now he understood why the military enacted the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. What soldier wanted to have that floating around in the heat of battle? No one wanted their brother – a warrior – fighting alongside them, thinking thoughts that were strictly forbidden … taboo. Something to be swept under the rug because it was too goddamn disrespectful to have out in the open for everyone to hear…. To know…. To judge….

Forbidden fruit. It did nothing but make him want to gag. He buried his face in his palms, feeling the presages of vomit threatening to crawl out of his mouth. He wanted to throw up, but he forced it all down in one vigorous gulp, his insides feeling like a hurricane of restless emotions – emotions Raphael feared would never go away. Not when this was now out in the open. Not when Leo knew of what he was; a monster that could never be tamed. Never be trusted….

He … he felt _sick_ , his feelings muddled and stained with dishonor, a slate Raphael would never be able to wipe clean, for they would always be haunting him. Mocking him. A constant reminder of why he was different and couldn’t change, no matter how much he wanted to, or how hard he tried….

Shoulders shaking, he tried looking out into the distance, the wash of luminescent colors blinking in a synchronized flow that only the upper part of Manhattan could portray, calming him. At night, the city always looked so beautiful, a metropolis so populated, overflowing with various types of people with different mindsets and views and backgrounds, all mismatched together. It was all so surreal, a blur smeared with vibrant colors that brought sentience and life to such an overcrowded populace. Sure, the subway stations were loud and the gang activity was problematic, especially after he and his brothers made their debut, but the humans they did get to know on a more personal level were nice. Some were even pretty cool, like Casey and April.

Others, however, weren’t so welcoming to those deemed outsiders. City dweller or not, Raphael didn’t need to learn that lesson topside, having been exposed to it in songs on the radio and documentaries on television about the not-so-accepted. People like him. People born different, with different desires; desires that would incur ire and draw disapproval, whether they were acted on or not. It rattled him. It forced him to shield himself so that no one could see through his guise: a tough as nails, hard-edged ninja that took shit from nobody.

To his family, he was the strongest, willing to do anything to safeguard and protect. He was loyal, strong-spirited, and, even if death was staring him down, ready to attack. He loved his brothers all equally – would live for them _and_ die for them if the situation called for it. He couldn’t live without one of them missing in the equation. That is, until the sickness began to form, seeping through his veins like a surge of molten lava, taking over his body. What would they think if they knew the real him? If they knew what he was hiding all these years? What would his father think? What would Mikey and Donnie think?

But worst of all … what would Leo think…? 

* * *

 

The ambiance of the sewers – of obscure shadows and dank, musty air – comforted him. For some, it was a terrifying place to linger for too long, but for Raphael and his brother’s, it was home. It greeted them with open arms and provided them security.

Or at least, that’s what he liked to believe.

Staring out into the hollow tunnels, the Shellraiser greeted him with its vibrant colors. He could feel the knot in his stomach constrict with every step he took, his hand resting absentmindedly over the lower part of his plastron. He didn’t want to do this. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to turn around, to find a dumpster to sleep in for the night and avoid leveraging his self-wroth against his pride. He didn’t want to face Leonardo again.

Raphael will willed his body to turn around and never look back, his legs continued forward; his breath hitched nervously until his eyes landed on a still figure leaning casually over the turnstiles.

It was Leonardo – just like he had anticipated. And at that very moment, he didn't know whether to be pissed off that his older brother could be so goddamn predictable, or scared out of his freakin' mind knowing that the second he walked passed, Leo was going to bring up their argument, question why he chose to run rather than stick around, and lecture him about responsibility and maturity. Of course Leonardo would be under assumption that he understood all of the variables. But he wouldn't be able to understand it at all.

Because he couldn't understand.

No one would ever understand….

Swallowing whatever ounce of pride he had left, Raphael dug his fingers into the skin of his palms and walked down the tunnel with his eyes focused straightforward. He could feel his neck muscles stiffening, but he would not allow them the freedom to even twitch in Leo’s general direction. He didn’t want to acknowledge his presence. After all, that would provoke another conversation. Or worse, another argument. Hell, he’d take shouting and hollering anytime of the _week_ over trying to calmly sit down and work out their issues.

But maybe Leo was right. Maybe he didn’t have the right to criticize his “tactical retreats” when he was the one who was always running away from his problems. He hated dealing with anything non-confrontational. All he wanted to do was push and shove and punch and kick his problems until they were nothing more than a battered, bloody pulp lying helplessly at his feet. He was domineering – not sensible – because emotions, other than anger, scared the hell out of him. It was far easier to lash out than it was to feel. And where his heart was concerned, it was far better to push people away than let them in. After all, if he risked his heart and it was shattered, there was no telling how much mending or healing it would take before he would be able to trust other people again.

His feeling scared the ever living shit out of him. More than anyone else could ever imagine….

“I was starting to get worried,” Leonardo spoke, causing Raphael’s shoulders to jerk up and stiffen. “I didn’t think you were coming back home tonight.”

“Yeah, well…” He reached with one hand and rubbed the back of his neck, working out the kinks and soothing the cramped muscles. “…that makes two of us.”

“I saw Mikey a little while after you left. Donnie was able to tend to his wounds in time, but he’s been put on bed rest and forbidden to step foot in the dojo for at least a couple of days.” He chuckled evenly, pushing himself away from the turnstiles and taking a few steps toward his brother, whose body tensed and tightened. Leonardo, however, barely even noticed. “He didn’t seem too upset about that.”

“Tch, typical Mikey,” Raphael chuckled and glanced over his shoulder. “Did you tell him where I was?”

A slight pause. “I told him you just went out for some fresh air.”

“Pfft. And he believed that?”

“…No.”

“Didn’t think so.” His lips curled into a smirk. “You never were good at telling lies, Leo. Just ain’t in your nature to even bend the truth a little.”

“He asked if we got into another argument. I told him I … I wasn’t quite sure. To be honest, I’m still not one hundred percent sure why you even ran off in the first place.”

His teeth ground hard. His shoulders rigid with the stress of the situation, but Raphael did everything in his power to keep his emotions under control. “I already told you, Leo. You wouldn’t understand.”

“And I already told you to _help_ me understand!” Leonardo raised his voice and took another step forward so that he was almost pressing against his brother's shell. “I’m getting real sick and tired of all this vague, too-difficult-to-explain crap. You’re always fighting my orders whenever I want to retreat. What makes that any different than the stuff you’re pulling every time we have an argument? We fight, we argue, we yell, and then you run off. Stop running away like a _coward_ and face your problems head on. _Talk_ to me, Raphael.”

“And what the hell do you want us to talk about, huh?” He snapped, turning his body so they were face-to-face. “I said what I said and that’s all there is to it. As vague as it sounds, that was the whole goddamn _point_! I don't _want_ you to understand what it is that's going on inside my head! Maybe if you weren't spending all your time kissing Master Splinter’s ass, you’da figured it out a long-ass time ago.”

“Raph—”

He backhanded Leonardo’s wrist before he even had a chance to lay on finger on him. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you even come near me or I swear I won’t hesitate to take out my _sai_ and beat the ever living shit out of you.”

“Why are you making this so difficult?” Leonardo cried, his eyes darkening into a sea of misconceptions. “Why is it so hard for you to let other people know what you’re feeling? Why is it so difficult for you to talk to your own _family_?”

Raphael bore his teeth, shoulders stiffening from the stressful weight they carried. “Maybe because it’s family that’s the root of this whole problem,” he snarled. His hands twitched anxiously at the hilts of his _sai_ , staring down Leonardo.

“You know we’re all here for you, Raph,” Leonardo tried to elucidate, holding out his hand as if handing Raphael a welcoming invitation. “We’re your family. We would never hurt you. We all love you, Raphael. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“Don’t say that,” He growled, his teeth clenched so hard his gums started to hurt. “Don’t you ever fucking say that again….”

“Say what? That we would never hurt you?”

“No! That … that you … love … me….” He shook his head vigorously – shook it until it rattled his brain. “I’ve known since we were kids that love is the most dangerous emotion anyone could ever allow themselves to feel. Anger, rage, depression, fear. None of it can even _compare_ to how much damage love can cause. Love is what divided Master Splinter and the Shredder and made them mortal enemies. Love is the reason Karai never grew up with her biological father or got to know her mother. Love can do terrible things, Leo….”

“But without it, there would be no hope,” Leonardo pointed out. He couldn’t help noticing Raphael’s trembling hands. “You may think it brings out all this destruction and hopelessness, but when it comes down to it, you will always have the love of your family to guide you through whatever you’re facing. You’re never alone, Raphael. Master Splinter, Donnie, Mikey, April, Casey … me. We’re all here for you.”

“That’s just it!” Raphael bellowed. “That’s where the entire problem lies – within the family! I already told you earlier that you wouldn’t understand. Trying to understand it … will only make things worse.”

“Then what if I put in the effort?” Leonardo asked. “You know I would do anything for you and our brothers, right? What makes this any different than helping out Donnie or Mikey with their problems?”

Raphael sighed, his eyes flitting from the ground back into his brother's cool water eyes. “Do you … do you even understand what’s going on?”

“Like I already said, I’m here for you no matter what. You’re my brother – my family – and I will do whatever it takes for us to get through this together. _No matter what_. You just have to meet me halfway if we're ever going to get anywhere.”

“It’s not that simple, Leo.” Raphael whispered, his head hanging low. With the tip of his finger, Leonardo raised his chin and forced him to look him in the eye. Seeing the warmth in his eyes, his smile, the strength of his presence... all of it made his heart flutter.

“Try me.” Leonardo challenged.

“I don’t know if I should….”

“The Raphael I know would never back out on a challenge.”

“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”

“I’ve put up with being the oldest and watching over you and Donnie and Mikey ever since we could walk. I think I can handle whatever you can dish out.”

“Promise you won’t get upset?”

“I'll try my very hardest to see the good in this whole situation.”

“And what if you can’t?”

“Well I guess we’ll never know unless you open your mouth and say something.”

“I just don't want this to … to change anything….”

“Baby steps, Raph," Leonardo chuckled. “Just let the words to come to you, even if they don’t make sense. Talk to me. Help me understand what it is that's going on inside your head. Let me feel what you feel. Please. Just for this moment.”

“I-I…” He couldn't stop shaking, his eyes flitting back and forth, focus laying solely on the ground. He tried to open his mouth, but the words just wouldn’t come, feeling a sour distaste linger on the buds of his tongue. Noticing his discomfort, Leonardo tried to help, resting his palms on the tops of Raphael’s shoulders, but the friction and jolt of skin grazing against skin made him recoil. He felt sick, his mind racing until he was dizzy, unsure of whether the room was spinning or whether it was just his body swaying back and forth.

He couldn't do this, couldn't face Leonardo with his insecurities jabbing away at him. He wouldn't understand. No matter how understanding he promised to be. Love brought nothing but destruction and unhappiness...

So he took a step back and forced the words out of his mouth. “I can’t do this, Leo. I just … I-I can’t.”

“What? Why not?”

“Just trust me when I tell you … some things are just better left unsaid….”

“So that’s what you’re going to do?” Leo snarled. “You’re just going to bottle up your emotions and brood?”

“It’s for the best. You just wouldn’t under—”

“No, I understand!” Leonardo yelled, stomping toward his brother until they were plastron-to-plastron, beaks almost touching. “I know exactly what it is you’re going through and quite frankly, I think you’re making a huge deal out of something completely stupid!”

“Leo—”

“No, I’m done with you trying to beat around the bush… So you have a thing for Karai – big deal! You’re ashamed of it because it’s perceived as taboo. Big freakin’ whoop! Nothing to get all dramatic about.”

“You…” He paused, flummoxed, and took a step back. “You think I have a thing … for Karai?” There were no words. Only silence. And it was suffocating. He let out a sputter of a chuckle, completely astonished. “Wow…. You … you’ve got it all completely backwards, Leo….”

“What do you mean?” Leonardo asked, folding his arms over his plastron. “If you weren’t talking about having feelings for Karai then who else could you be refer—”

He stopped midsentence, eyes widening slowly in realization. Raphael could feel the tension thickening like the dense fog, his throat welding shut as he took cautious steps back away from his older brother. He could feel the sting of hot tears brimming his eyes, glassing them over before he shut them tight, his body shaking uncontrollably. Without another word, he turned his back abruptly, ready to lock himself in his room and never coming out.

This was why he kept his emotions bottled up.

This was why he never wanted Leo to know the truth….

Coming out of his stupor, Leonardo shook his head and held out his hand, willing himself to speak. “Raphael, wait—”

“There ain’t nothing left to talk about Leo,” Raphael growled. His voice sounded small, a shell of itself. “I’m done with this conversation….”

“Don’t you dare walk out on me,” Leonardo barked, his body finding its movements as he took a forceful step forward, eyes narrowed into dangerous slits aimed solely on the back of Raphael’s shell. “Don’t you dare throw up those shields and run away again. Running away never solves anything, Raph. Talking about the situation—”

“We already _talked_ , Leo, what more do you want me to fuckin’ say! That I love you? That I’ve had a crush on you since we were kids? That the fact that I have _feelings_ for my own goddamn _brother_ scared the ever-living shit out of me? So much that I thought I was fucking _psycho_! Is that what you wanna hear? _Huh_!” He shoved Leonardo hard against his plastron, the force of it all causing his older brother to stumble over his footing.

“Raph, stop it. I’m just … trying to understand—”

“Oh, really? Is that what you’re doing?” Raphael sneered acidly, getting up close and personal every time Leo took a step back. “I already know I’m a sick bastard, Leo. You ain’t gotta tell me twice—I’ve known for a goddamn while. But what about you? Where the hell do you stand in all of this, huh? You wanted to talk, so _talk_ , dammit!”

“Raph, I—”

“ _Talk_!”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Leonardo screamed, the intensity of it all enough to shake the entire Lair awake.

Shoulders shaking, eyes glassy and filled to the brim with unshed tears, Leonardo took one final step back before he realized he had been backed into a wall. Plastron to plastron, the two brothers locked into a fierce stare down, both reluctant to break contact, though neither one of them wanted to be in the presence of the other for as long as they were alive. Their breath intermingled, warm and quick despite their quivering bodies. For a while, none of them spoke, unsure of what to say in a situations such as this; Leo’s back against a wall, Raph hanging on to the last thread of virility he had left.

Although they grew up as brothers – knowing things about one another that normal siblings would’ve never realized – never did they feel so vulnerable in front of one another. Exposed. Naked. Like every wisp of their insecurities were lying flat out in front of the other.

It was the scariest thing either of them had ever faced….

Finding movement in his body, Raphael slowly but cautiously pulled himself away from Leo, the sudden draft of cool air gusting between them causing the two to shiver. Head lowered shamefully, Raphael pursed his lips but tried with all his might to pry them open, fighting for words but found they were more difficult to fish out than ever before.

He didn’t want to look at Leo. Didn’t want to see the look of betrayal eminent in his eyes….

So instead, he turned on his heels and left him alone, a harsh grunt escaping his lips until he finally found his words.

“Well then there you have it. Try finding the good in this situation now, Leo….”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey all! Sorry it's been a while. Been going through some things with friends and wedding planning, so my life has been all over the place. I just recently got into something with one of my friends last night and I've been trying to mend some broken ties with her. Finishing this chapter was not only great therapy but also kept me busy. A win-win!
> 
> I was a little more at ease writing this chapter, but to help me out with inspiration, I took notes from LucyToo's fabulously angsty story, "Before the Fall". I highly recommend that story if you're willing to give some super light T-cest a read. :)
> 
> Alright, so without further adieu, here's the third chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily  
> I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make  
> Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts  
> We got yeah we got a lot at stake" – Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up

* * *

 

The caress of his pillow felt rough and unforgiving, a scrape against his cheek as he lied, belly flat in bed without any intentions of leaving his room.

Raphael had been awake well into the next morning, the bags under his eyes weighted and heavy, much like the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He deprived his body of any rest, his mind a mixing pot of conflicted emotions and unforgettable memories. Humiliation. Shame. Regret. They were all like hungry termites gnawing away at his self-conscious, the tiny little pricks of teeth like a prodding reminder of what had happened last night between him and Leo.

“Leo…” Oh God, even uttering his name brought the sickening presages of vomit up his throat. His eyes wound shut before Raphael smothered his face into his pillow, releasing a muffled, guttural scream. He hated this. Hated feeling so goddamn vulnerable and disgusted with himself that he grabbed hold of the pillow and chucked it across the room, fingers clawing and agitated with the need to tear something apart.

He curled, then uncurled, then curled his fingers again into tight, shaking fists. He folded his arms across his chest and then quickly unfolded them before he let out a growl and picked himself up from his mattress. Pacing. Pacing back and forth, hands fumbling and fingers twiddling. His teeth bore into a vicious snarl, eyes flitting every which way and that, trying to find something that needed to be destroyed. Something that would make a loud, satisfying crash when it connected with the floor. Or the wall. Or Leo’s face.

 _“…Let me feel what you feel…”_ His brother’s gentle words echoed tauntingly inside his head.

“Bastard!” Raphael croaked, the crack in his voice bringing forth aggravated tears. He stared, bleary-eyed at the array of family pictures pinned and stapled to his wall, zeroing in on the one where Leo took up most of the picture – Donnie and Mikey smiling happily at the camera way in the background.

“You have no _fucking_ idea what it is I’m feeling, Leo.” He snarled, belting out his frustrations as if Leo was standing right there in front of him. “You wanna feel what I feel? You wanna go through all this sentimental bullshit so you can understand why I’m so pissed off all the damn time? You have _no_ idea what I’m going through … what I’ve _been_ going through for the past I don’t know how many years! You’ll never understand, so stop sticking your nose into my damn business and leave me the hell alone!”

He jabbed the end of his _sai_ straight into his brother’s plastron. Whether it was by accident or on purpose, Raph didn’t know. Nor did he really care. Maybe this was better, allowing him to release his anger on a picture of Leo rather than doing it face-to-face. Just being near him … God, Raph probably wouldn’t be able to hold his ground for very long. Running up to the smug-faced bastard and jamming his _sai_ straight down Leo’s throat felt like fucking bliss right about now, feeling the satisfaction of causing internal pain to the one who screwed with his emotions ever since the other night.

The corners of Raph’s lips lifted into an amused smile, one that quickly faded at the sound of knocking coming from his door. Before he even got the chance to respond, Mikey’s muffled voice could be heard peeking through the crack in the doorframe.

 _“Raph?”_ He tested, taking the brief silence as a cue to invite himself in. The muscles in Raphael’s arms stiffened with annoyance, but as was typical Mikey fashion, he didn’t even give Raph a chance to speak before he leaned against the doorframe in a lackadaisical manner.

His shell barely rubbed against the metal frame, causing Raphael to wonder if his brother was still in a lot of pain from getting his shell knocked loose the other night. The upturned grin said otherwise, though Mikey was known to be very skilled in the art of masking his discomfort. Being the youngest, Raphael could see why Mikey would try to put on a brave face in front of him and his brothers, not wanting to seem like the weaker of the bunch just because he was smaller. However, there were times when Mikey used his pain as a way to gain pity, either that or to avoid their morning training sessions. According to Leo, he was already excused from training until further notice. So did that mean he was in his room so that he could obtain some sort of pity from him?

Well, he was certainly barking up the wrong tree right now….

“What do you want, Mike?” Raphael asked, the moment of silence grating on what little patience he had left.

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine,” Mikey grinned. “Killer raccoon eyes. You paint those yourself, or was I totally not hallucinating last night when I thought I heard you and Leo arguing in the living room?”

That question alone was enough to make Raphael stop dead in his tracks. “You … you heard us arguing?” He straightened himself up, clearing his throat while his eyes shifted to the floor, unsure of whether he wanted to look Mikey in the face right now. “W-what … what did you hear…?”

Michelangelo threw his arms over his head while making an uncaring noise. “Eh, I kinda tuned you guys out and fell back asleep. The pain meds Donnie gave me were enough to knock an elephant out, so it wasn’t hard drifting back off to dreamland. I was actually surprised you guys managed to wake me up.”

“Oh. Well … good. I mean, not that we woke you up, but … y’know, that you, uh, managed to fall back asleep, er, whatever….” He rubbed the back of his neck while he stumbled over his words, eyes still focused solely on the ground. The silence between them sifted like a dense fog, suffocating Raphael in its cumbersome wake.

“You know it’s not easy.” Raphael snapped his attention toward his brother, his words catching him off guard with the serious tone they carried. “Watching you two argue. The more it happens … sometimes it gets harder and harder to just ignore you guys. Donnie and I used to let it pass over our heads – let you dudes lash out at each other and get it out of your system – because that’s all Donnie thought it was. Just you two blowing off some steam. But now … it’s like every little thing sets you two off. When was the last time you and Leo actually had a normal conversation? When was the last time you two could stay in the same room together without arguing? Can you even remember?”

“Why are you here, Mikey?” Raphael asked, his gaze slowly crawling up towards Mikey’s face. It was a question that caught his younger brother off guard, stunning him into a brief silence until Raphael opened his mouth again, only this time sounding more forceful. “If you just came in here to lecture me ‘bout how much Leo and I argue, then you can just get the hell out right now. Our business is our business. We don’t need you or Donnie buttin’ in throwin’ us your two cents. We’re big boys. We’ll handle it ourselves.”

“Actually, the reason why I’m here is because you’re late,” Mikey pointed out, pushing himself away from the door frame. “We started training almost half an hour ago and Leo wanted me to come drag you outta bed so they could start.”

Raphael snorted derisively, already making his way back to bed. “Tell Leo to go eat a dick. I’m skippin’ out on training today.”

“Suit yourself, bro,” Mikey shrugged, poking his head out of the door frame and shouting down the hall. “Hey, Leo! Raph said he’s skipping out on training today unless you eat his dick!”

“ _Mikey_!” Raphael shouted through clenched teeth. He couldn’t remember a time when he moved as quickly as he did, his hands clamped forcefully over his baby brother’s mouth as he stared down the hallway. Without any sudden movements coming from the dojo, Raphael released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and shoved Mikey hard enough to where he nearly lost his footing. “The hell’s the matter with you? Who _says_ stuff like that?”

“Chill, bro, I was just playing around. Lighten up a little, will ya?” He shoved his brother playfully in the arm, despite the fact that Raphael looked as though he were about ready to charge after Mikey and rip his mouth off. Smile receding, Mikey reached out and lightly tapped Raphael’s shoulder, tilting his head to get a better look at his face. “Sooo, you coming to training or what? April and Casey stayed the night, though Casey has been urged to take it easy, like me. We can watch Donnie make a fool out of himself around April, though. Won’t that be fun?”

“I already told ya, Mike, I ain’t going to training today,” said Raphael, his attention now focused on his bed. To give his hands something to do, he straightened out the blanket on his bed and smoothed it over, reaching over to grab his pillow to adjust it, only to realize he had chucked it across the room not too long ago. Feeling a light tap on his shoulder, Raphael turned to see the pillow being handed to him by Mikey, but when he reached over and grabbed for it, he realized it wasn’t Mikey standing right behind him.

It was Leo.

_Shit._

His eyes narrowed. His teeth bore. Muscles tensing from the sheer intensity of it all, Raphael quickly turned toward his brother without even giving him a chance to utter a single word. He raised his arm and pointed it straight out the door. “Get out.”

The words stung like acid, but acting nonchalant, Leo glanced over his shoulder and gave Mikey a light smile. “Mikey, do you think you can give Raph and me a little privacy, please?”

“No!” Raphael growled, stepping into Leo’s face. “I didn’t tell Mikey to get out, I told you, Leo. Beat it. Get lost. Hit the road. You understand? I already made it clear I ain’t comin’ to training today and there ain’t nothin’ you can do to convince me otherwise. Now get the hell outta my room before I grab ya by your belt and kick you out myself! I wanna be left alone….”

“Raph, come on, bro,” Mikey started, taking a few cautious steps towards Raphael. He immediately stopped once he noticed Leo glancing at him more sternly, his words sounding forceful and a little on-edge.

“Mikey, this doesn’t concern you. This is something me and Raph have to settle ourselves, whether he likes it or not. Now can you please step outside while the two of us talk?”

“Don’t listen to him, Mike,” Raphael growled, his attention never leaving Leo’s sight. “You stay right here. Don’t let Leo boss you around just ‘cuz he feels he has authority over you. He may act like he has everything all figured out and knows what’s best for us, but in all honesty … he doesn’t. He don’t know shit….”

“Raphael. Stop.” Leo urged through clenched teeth, his eyes a smoldering fire being contained through sheer force of meditation and calm breathing. Out of the four of them, Leo was always best at containing his anger and preventing himself from blowing up into uncontrollable hissy fits. Sure, there were moments when he raised his voice a time or two, but never in his life had Raphael seen Leo just completely explode on him – just burst into a field of flames licking away at his better judgment to rationalize order and remain the stable brother out of the four of them. In a way, Raphael almost wanted to push his brother to the breaking point; to cut that last hanging thread just to witness his ‘perfect leader’ stumble out of control in a blinding fury. All that confined space and disallowing himself to release his growing frustrations … it all seemed pretty damn unhealthy.

“Go tell Master Splinter I’ll be at practice in a few,” Leo ordered, his attention now pinned on Raph, even though his order was directed towards Mikey. “I just … want us to have a little talk for a moment.”

The sincerity in his voice did not match the look on his face, though because Leo’s carapace was facing Mikey’s field of vision, he couldn’t see the shadows that contoured his features like Raph could. The narrowed gaze. The stern frown. The tautness in his jaw that only matched the rigidness in his shoulders, so stiff and uncomfortable that it made Raph roll his own shoulders just to relieve the tension. Basking in the moment of silence, Mikey slowly nodded his head and slipped into the hallway, closing the door behind him while the shadow of darkness veiled the two brothers.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence….

“…Raph, I—”

“I ain’t going to mornin’ training, Leo,” Raph interrupted, his head bowed and eyes focused on the floor. “You can piss and moan all ya want, but I ain’t goin’. It’s just … too…”

“Awkward?”

“You don’t think so?” He lifted up his head. His expression seemed innocently lost, like a child separated from his parents at the marketplace.

“You have the power to steer a situation into any direction you want, Raphael. Don’t let fear prevent you from doing so.”

Raphael chuckled lightly. “Is that what you’re doin’, oh mighty Fearless Leader?”

“I’m not letting the repercussions of last night effect my daily routines,” Leo admitted, his eyes narrowed and his tone serious. Like he really believed in what he was saying.

“Tch, typical. And you get on my ass for keeping things bottled up sometimes. Ya know that ain’t healthy, Leo. Storing your anger in a sealed tight box and allowing it to fester.”

“Oh, and allowing yourself to release it every chance you get is any better? I never said I was angry about last night, Raphael.”

“Well ya sure weren’t jumpin’ for joy neither,” Raph spat, his fingers curled into tight fists resting firmly against his sides. He shook his head hard, bringing his knuckles to his temples while his tired eyes wound shut. A weak groan passed through his lips. “Why the hell are you even here…?”

Leonardo tilted his head, expression lost. “Did you think I was just going to avoid you after all of this?”

“Woulda made things easier,” Raph admitted, lowering one arm while the other still rested against his face, his hand brushing against his smooth, bald head. “I actually woulda preferred it, really.”

“Raph, what … what kind of person do you think I am…?”

“I dunno, you tell me.” He looked up at his brother and at that moment, he knew that was a grave mistake. His expression seemed hurt, wounded by measures that were purely emotional rather than physical. Raphael could knock a fist straight through Leo’s teeth and he still wouldn’t have looked as pained as he did standing right in front of him. To accuse his older brother of disowning him after the events of last night. It was like a proverbial stab at Leonardo’s heart.

“…Have you figured it out yet?”

“What?”

“Have you figured it out yet?” Raph repeated. “How you feel about all of … this.” He spread his arms across the space that separated the two of them, validating his point.

“I…” There was hesitation in Leo’s voice, a growing pause that felt like little daggers prodding at Raphael’s insides. The longer it dragged out, the more torturous it felt, like the silence of it all was slowly pulling Raphael into a forceful choke hold.

Wetting his lips, Leonardo finally spoke, the slightest bit of a stutter under-toning his words. “You … you’ve had all this time to figure things out, Raph. I can’t just come up with an answer in a matter of days.”

“Bullshit,” Raphael snarled. “You think I got all my shit figured out? Don’tcha think I woulda been more accepting of all this if I had everything figured out? I kept it a secret for nearly half my life because I was ashamed of what I felt. I didn’t figure shit and what I did figure out, I shunned it all away and never looked back.”

“That is what I don’t understand,” Leo pointed out. “You have all these emotions, Raphael. All these feelings bottled up inside and you think its best just to allow them to collect? Your anger and lashing out towards others isn’t because you have anger issues. It’s your emotions trying to set themselves free all at once. You don’t allow yourself time to breathe, Raphael. To tap into those feelings and give them a chance to reveal themselves to you so that you can understand them.”

“And what the hell is there to understand, Leo?” Raphael snapped. “There’s a reason why I don’t let my emotions get the better of me. Because they _scare_ me. Yeah, that’s right, ol’ Raphie boy is afraid of his own feelings. Why? Because they’re fucked up.”

“Love is complicated,” Leo swallowed down hard, finding his words. “ _Relationships_ are complicated.”

“And who the hell said I wanted a relationship, Leo?” Raphael asked darkly. The glow of the orange pumpkin porch light rimmed the dark circles underneath his eyes, contouring the shadows to make him look sinister and … threatening.

Leo hesitated for a bit, unsure of how to answer that question without seeming spiteful. Raphael could see the slight quiver in his shoulders, as if his older brother were trying to contain all that anger boiling beneath his skin. Emotions stored away, never to be revealed.

“So what exactly is all of this?” Leo growled through clenched teeth. “Are you just … looking to scratch an itch? This isn’t anything sentimental, you’re just feeding off of teenage hormones and unresolved lust? A quick fuck just to settle your needs….”

That word. The epitome of swears so dirty and foul, coming from a mouth too stained with honor and pride to let such extremities slip through. For years, Raphael had always made fun of Leo for never resulting to foul language whenever he was frustrated. But hearing him say it with all the edge and force behind his wounded heart, it was like driving the tip of his katana straight through the most sensitive part of his body. His soul.

_Just a quick fuck to settle your needs…._

No love. No bond. No emotional attachment, but just scratching an itch.

Meaningless.

“No….” Raphael’s words were like a breath of a whisper. “I … that’s not what I want. Leo … you’re … you’re not meaningless….”

“Then what _do_ you want, Raphael?” His words were sharp. Quickly precision, like a steel-coated blade. “If the whole meaning behind all of this is just so you can get yourself laid, then I don’t want any part of it! I’m not going to be the one who comes at your beckon call like some self-abasement … slut.”

“Leo…” He took one step forward, hand held out with intentions to grab hold of his brother. To pull him in and just … hold him. Let him know how important he was not only to him but to anyone who crossed his path. All without uttering a single word. Because actions really did speak louder than words, and no amount of words were ever going to compare to how much he care for Leonardo. How much he loved him – despite all the hurtful things he said and how often he pushed him away. He loved him, and just wished he had the courage to show him that….

“Please don’t give up on me…” Raphael whispered, his voice sounding small and uncontrollably shaky. “I … I never say it enough, but … I need you, Leo. You’re the glue that holds this team together and the front-runner that keeps us all in check. I know I do everything in my power to go against your orders, but … but the truth is … I’d be lost without you.”

He tried not to focus too hard on the expression of Leonardo’s face, only because his brother was a master at controlling his emotions through his facial expressions. He was a terrible liar at times, but when the situation called for it, Leo had a pretty damn good poker face.

“If you were paying attention, I already said my answer.”

Raphael immediately looked up, eyes filled with wonder at his brother’s light smile. Turning his back on Raph, Leo headed towards the door and opened it, standing in the middle of the doorway like he was waiting for Raphael to put the pieces together.

“About where I stand in all of this. If you were paying attention, I pretty much told you my answer. I said if this was nothing more than just you getting laid, I wanted no part of it. But it isn’t. I can see it in your eyes that what lies beneath your feelings is something more than just teenage hormones, Raph. You may not understand them yet, but there’s something … genuine about what your heart is trying to tell you. You just gotta take the time to listen.”

“So,” he paused, shaking his head slightly. “So what does that mean? Are you—”

“Master Splinter’s waiting on me,” his eyes glinted in the smallest of twinkles; that smile never fading his face. “On us. Perhaps after training, we can discuss this a little bit more. That is, if you’re not afraid to opening up.”

Butterflies. In all the cheesy soap operas and all the mushy romance films Raphael has seen in his life – usually against his will – there was always mentions of feeling like you had butterflies in your stomach around the person you were crushing on. Or in love with. For Raph, he thought it was all bullshit, but when Leonardo looked his way – that mirthful smile tugging at the corners of his lips – it was like friggin’ springtime blossomed at the pit of his stomach.

Absentmindedly, he rested a hand against his belly, watching Leo slip out of his room, his eyes shining bright like the ocean blue on a warm summer’s evening. It took his breath away, sending shivers all across his spine up to his neck. But what Leo said before he ducked out was enough to make Raphael feel just as dorky as those love-struck girls in all those soap operas and mush romance films.

“I never give up easily, Raph. So what makes you think I’ll ever give up on you?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have returned! :D Sorry it's been a while since I've given this story any attention, but rest assured, I have good reasons, one of them being that I just got married and have settled down in a brand new state in a brand new home with a brand new job and everything. x.x But, I'm happy to have some free time here and there now that the holidays are done, so why not use that free time to exercise my writing prowess? (I'm pretty sure if my writing skills were an actual human being, they'd be one big fat blob of flubber. :P lol)
> 
> With that said, enjoy the story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4/24/2016: I'll try to post the other chapters that I have on FF.net and on Tumblr. I forgot how much of a pain in the butt it is transferring chapters onto AO3 because they have to be in HTML format. So I have to either hand-type the entire chapters or reformat them, which is really time-consuming. But, I'll get them up here in due time! :)

* * *

 

When the butterflies subsided, Raphael decided he had no real reason to stay cooped up in his room any longer, so he decided to join the others in the dojo. Leo's words still weren't enough to get him to participate in morning training, but when he took a seat next to Casey and Mikey, Master Splinter thought nothing of it and continued to guide the others through practice. Raph figured Leo must've thrown in a hint or two about their argument last night to Sensei, because rarely did their father ever let his sons skip out on training unless they had an injury or weren't feeling well. Mikey had a valid excuse, but Raph, he was neither injured nor sick, yet Master Splinter still let him slide. Nevertheless, he wasn't complaining. He was running on little to no sleep, but after the talk with Leo, Raph was too wired to hit the sack and call it a day, so he figured he'd spend a little time surrounded by company rather than be cooped up in the boredom dome that was his room.

"Focus less on the force behind your strikes and more on your form, April," Master Splinter advised. "Donatello, don't forget to pivot before switching into a Sweeping Leg Kick."

Casey grimaced. "Man, how can you guys concentrate when he's blathering away like that? I think that would make me mess up even more."

Raphael noticed the distinct shiner Casey was sporting this morning, though a black eye wasn't the worst of his injuries. Since Tiger Claw threw him off a building, Donnie had to switch into Doctor Mode and make sure nothing was seriously broken. His limbs were still intact, save for the sprained wrist, but it was nothing a couple of bandages and some Oxycodone couldn't fix. Aside from that and another tooth lost, Casey was fine.

"You learn to tune it out. Humming really helps. And singing, though Donnie hates it when I break into some Carl Douglas," Mikey sniggered. "Right, D? _Everybody was Kung Fu fighting! Yah!_ "

Rolling his eyes, Raphael switched his focus back onto the dojo floor. He watched as Donnie and April did a light sparing match with one another, Donnie, of course, offering to help April with her technique. It was pretty pathetic watching his brother do everything he could to get on April's good side, even though he and the rest of his brothers made it blatantly obvious that it was never going to happen between the two of them, especially since Casey had a thing for April too. Nonetheless, it was pretty sadorable watching his brother try anyway, occasionally squeezing out a laugh or a genuine smile from April that made Donnie practically turn into mush. It was pitiful and Raph hoped to God that would never happen to him, no matter how love-struck he was. He at least wanted to keep his dignity.

"Leonardo, let us take a moment to work on your _katas_ ," Master Splinter suggested. "Remember, form and posture is vastly important, my son. It is imperative that you take your time and allow your body to release itself of any stressors."

" _Hai_ , Sensei." Leonardo bowed.

Curiosity peaked, Raphael watched as his brother got into position. Inhaling deeply, he loosened his shoulders and exhaled all the tension in his body, bringing his arms up and spreading his legs out. His fists were clenched, yet loose and free just as Master Splinter had instructed; lacking any volume of strain. Slowly, ever so slowly, he drew his arms forward while bringing one leg up, balance steady – like that of a crane.

Raphael always made fun of his brother for working his _katas_ too slow, saying that it was easier to mess up that way because you were putting so much time and effort into one stance, so the next stance usually fell short. But that never got Leo down. He stuck to the art of his movements, focusing on precision and performance. Following his actions, Raphael could see now why Leo made such a big deal about making sure every shift, every sway, every movement had to be absolutely perfect. His form – the way his body flowed like gentle waves lapping under the assistance of the ocean breeze – it was like watching art. Like watching something magnificent gradually manifest into something truly striking, yet adroitly beautiful.

It was breathtaking.

 _He_ was breathtak-

Woah. Raphael shook his head violently, erasing those thoughts before they journeyed any further. God, was this how Donnie felt whenever April was around? He was starting to get delirious. Lack of sleep did in fact do that to a person.

"Yo, Raph!" Casey called out a little too loudly for Raph's taste. He reached over with his hand and nudged at Raph's shoulder to grab his attention, causing Raph to shoot him an irritable growl. "Dude, wake up. Mike and I are gonna get breakfast goin'. You wanna come with?"

"I'm thinking chocolate chips- and bacon-stuffed pancakes. Y'know, for protein." Mikey smiled, already joyfully bouncing his way to the kitchen.

Sticking his tongue out in disgust, Raphael declined their offer and decided to watch the rest of practice. Shrugging his shoulders, Casey left him behind, leaving Raph to watch as everyone wrapped up their training for the day, offering Master Splinter respectful bows.

"You three did very well this morning," Master Splinter acknowledged, his hands folded casually behind his back. "Reflect on what we went over this session, my students, so that you may apply it to your practices in tomorrow morning's session. With that said, you may all proceed with breakfast. _Kurasu kyakka_."

" _Hai_ , Sensei."

Raphael caught Master Splinter's eyes shifting in his direction, his long tail flickering languidly while Donnie and April started conversing with one another as they made their way through the dojo's exit. Feeling an uncomfortable lump form in his throat, he broke the gaze, waiting for Leo to catch up with him so they could walk to the kitchen together. Leo, however, never moved a muscle.

"Raphael," Master Splinter spoke, causing the hothead to jolt where he sat. He motioned the spot next to Leo with his snout, whiskers twitching of their own accord. "Sit. We have some things that need to be discussed between you and your brother."

 _Shit_. What had Leo done? Did he go behind his back and tell Sensei about their argument last night? But everything had been reconciled this morning. At least that's what Raph had thought. _I never give up easily, Raph. So what makes you think I'll ever give up on you?_ That's what Leo had told him, so what in the almighty _hell_ made Leo think that telling their sensei, their _father_ , something that Raphael told Leo in _confidence_ would make the situation any better?

He shot a worried glance in Leo's direction, but his brother had his eyes focused solely on his hands resting calmly atop his knees. He looked fixated on whatever it was that was running through his mind, lips pursed in concentration, but his eyes spoke of a different story. They looked lax, almost too much so and Raphael had to wonder if his brother was just as worried about this talk as he was. Though avoiding his gaze – not having the gall to look Raphael in the eye and offer him any admission of guilt, _something_ that let him know Leo fucked up royally and truly, honestly wanted to apologize for it – it pissed Raph off to no end and he wanted nothing more than to get up and chew his brother out.

"Raphael!" Master Splinter spoke with more authority in his voice, causing Raph to break his glowering gaze towards his brother. He didn't need to be told twice to get up and come join them, mostly because it was something about Master Splinter's unyielding tone that struck a nick of fear in not just Raph, but his brothers as well. Back when they were children, Raphael could never recall a time when their sensei had to use brute force in order to instill discipline, like how some parents would do that trudged over the line of borderline abuse. No, their sensei would never hit, strike, or harm neither Raph nor any of his brothers. At least, never outside the dojo, but they all followed the rules and guidelines of what was and wasn't acceptable when it came to their practices. All it took was a firm, loud voice and Raph and his brothers were all front and center, biting viciously at their tongues.

Wasting no time, Raphael took a seat, eyes shooting daggers straight at Leonardo while his brother kept his head down. Gritting his teeth, Raphael forced himself to stay calm, his fingers curling and uncurling at the tops of his knees. Casually, Master Splinter kneeled before the two of them, his eyes darting from one son to the other.

"My sons, I sense there is some tension stirring between the both of you." He stroked his thin beard, eyes settled on Leonardo before flicking toward Raphael and then back again. His mouth formed into a tight line, hands now rested on the tops of his knees. "This is not an uncommon factor. The two of you have had your squabbles many times in the past due to your different ways of thinking, my sons. It has brought a cloud of discomfort upon this family countless times and although you may think it only affects the two of you, my sons, you are both sadly mistaken. When there is tension residing within the family, it affects everyone in the entire household, not just the ones who are at odds with one another. I can assure you both that neither Michelangelo nor Donatello enjoy watching the two of you argue."

"But, Sensei-"

Master Splinter held up a hand, silencing Raphael from speaking any further.

"Leonardo has already informed me on the disagreement you two had the other night, Raphael."

"H-He … he has?" Raphael stuttered, eyes growing wide with every passing second that ticked on by. He could feel his hands shaking atop his knees, fingers curled into sweaty fists. At that moment, he didn't even want to glance in Leo's direction, feeling the vengeful stab of betrayal pierce viciously at his erratically thrumming heart. How could he do this? How could Leo betray him like this?

"Sensei. If you may, please, allow me to say something?" Leonardo asked, his head held up for the first time since Raphael even sat down.

Master Splinter nodded. "You may, my son."

He lowered his head in thanks, tongue poking out and wiping across his lips out of sheer nervousness. Rubbing his palms against his legs, he let out a shaky breath. "While it is not my place to advocate what _you_ believe is a fitting punishment for mine and Raphael's actions, please, hear me out."

Master Splinter raised a curious eyebrow, though he nodded his head and allowed Leonardo to continue. Raphael, still fighting to gain control in his shaky hands, snuck a quick glance at his older brother, noticing that Leo looked just as terrified – perhaps even more so – than he did. Raphael didn't know why, but it calmed him down a bit, maybe because Leonardo was trying his best to keep their sensei in a composed state of mind all the while making sure he didn't fall over into a panic attack right then and there. He could see the fear eminently in Leo's eyes, so much so that he wondered if Master Splinter saw it as well, and if he did, he was in no rush to point it out. Nevertheless, Raphael kept his head low and allowed his brother to speak.

"I do not think you're wrong when you say that our … arguments weigh heavily among the household. You are right, Sensei, and I assure you that both Raph and I are tremendously sorry for the tension we caused in this family."

At that note, Master Splinter shot a look at Raphael, causing the hothead to jump where he kneeled, feeling as though he were on blast. Quickly, he fished for something to say, unable to come up with anything other than, "Uhh, yeah. S-Sorry, Sensei."

Master Splinter let out a tiny, gruff noise, one that made Raphael certain that his father didn't believe him; that his apology was something half-assed and held no meaning behind it. It didn't anger him as much as it saddened him, making Raphael feel as though anything he said, his father would not take seriously. Like his words didn't even matter, no matter how much truth lay beneath them.

"I hear what it is you are saying, Leonardo," Master Splinter spoke. "But I cannot help but wonder if there is something else you wish to bring up, but are hesitant to do so. Am I wrong, my son?"

"No, Sensei." Leonardo shook his head slowly, his eyes focused on his hands once more before he licked his dry lips. "I understand Raphael and I have issues we need to settle amongst ourselves. Doing so in the presence of our family and friends will not bring forth better results. It is something Raph and I need to address in a secluded environment."

Silence immediately followed and Raphael wondered if Leo finally passed out from all the anxiety running through his body. Stealing a quick glance, he realized Leo was still upright, his palms shaking of their own accord just like Raph's had been doing earlier. He had to fight the urge to reach out and blanket his own hand over his brother's, a silent gesture to Leo that, even in the presence of an abysmal situation such as this one, everything was going to be alright in the end. It wasn't often Raphael played the comforting brother role, figuring he was no good at it. Today wasn't any different, but he at least he could still play a scenario in his head, hoping that his consoling energy would intermingle with Leo's own anxious nerves, quelling him into a composed state of mind that shook away all the nerves and all the worry.

Raphael had no idea if it worked, but not a second later, he could hear Leo regain his voice again, the nerves still present but not as adamant.

"With that being said, Sensei, I would like your permission for Raph and I to spend an evening topside with one another. Alone, so that we may reconcile our discrepancies."

Raphael's eyes couldn't have widened any more than they already had. Was Leo insane? Had all the blood rushing through his body from the great amounts of stress finally explode into his brain? There was no way Sensei was going to leave the two alone together! Not after Leo had told him about what happened last night.

He paused, collecting his thoughts for a moment. Then again, it was never really clear whether Leo had spilled the beans to Sensei about his confession last night or not. Given the circumstances, Raphael figured if Leo really had told on him, Master Splinter wouldn't be so … discreet about it. To be frank, he had no idea how their father would react finding out that his son was … different. Raphael didn't like using specifics, not out of disrespectful, but because he really didn't perceive himself _in that way_. He liked girls, thinking there was something uniquely striking about them, but he didn't picture ever picking one as a suitable partner. It wasn't like he had much of a choice anyway, seeing as the only girl he and his brothers knew was April and the poor girl already had her hands full putting up with Donnie and Casey, so developing a crush on her would surely drive her to the brink of insanity. Nevertheless, no matter how hard Raphael tried picturing himself with a woman, he just couldn't will his brain to do it. The same went for men as well. He found their physique and muscle structure … interesting, but he couldn't actively imagine himself _being_ with another man. He thought Casey was a brash, loud, disgusting pig at times and, like April, that pretty much gave him all the 'variety' he had to choose from.

But Leo … Leo was different. Leo was special. And also his brother. Thinking about it, Raphael figured the situation wouldn't be so bad if they were adoptive brothers, conceived by two completely different male and female turtles, but taken under the wing of their sensei. But that was not the case. They weren't adoptive brothers, they were blood-related brothers. The unholiest of taboos. God, maybe 'different' really was the correct terminology for what Raphael was; a disgrace to his entire family and anyone who had the 'pleasure' of knowing the kind of person he was. A freak. A pervert. Someone to be taken out back and shot at with a Sako 85 Finnlight until he was drowning in a pool of his own-

"Very well." Master Splinter broke his train of thought, catching not only Raph, but Leo off guard as well.

"R-Really?" Leo asked.

"You seem surprised, my son," Master Splinter chuckled, fondly stroking his beard. "Did you not think I would agree to such a request?"

"To be honest, no, Sensei," Leo answered. Now that the nerves had dispelled from his body, he seemed a little more at ease; looser. But there was still that underline of hesitation lingering in the back of his mind, like at any minute, Master Splinter was going to change his mind and separate them both so they couldn't argue with one another anymore. Raphael was waiting for it, but he still couldn't shake the high that their sensei actually agreed to let them spend a night alone with each other. To do what, Raphael couldn't imagine. He _could_ , but he didn't want his thoughts to linger in that direction. Not now. Not after the talk they had this morning about what it was he wanted from this whole … thing, or whatever him and Leo wanted to call it. Some nameless title that was just as vague and elusive as their newfound relationship was, if they could even call it a relationship. Were they still brothers at this point? Even after Leo knew of Raphael's feelings toward him, could they still be classified as brothers, or something else? Did Raph _want_ them to be something else? He didn't know. Or, quite frankly, he wasn't ready to find out. At least not yet.

"My sons," Master Splinter spoke. "there comes a time in a parent's life where disciplinary actions are no longer the case when dealing with the complications of their children. As you boys grow older, the conflicts you have with one another can only be resolved by getting to the heart of the problem, a task that shall be undertaken by you two and you two alone. Family and friends can only steer you in the right direction, my sons, but it is you who have to settle your differences through means of communication and consideration."

He offered a warm smile to Leonardo, bowing his head in approval. "The fact that you have made this decision on your own proves that you two are mature enough to settle your differences. You two have my permission to journey topside, so long as you stick together and do not return late. Understood?"

" _Hai_ , Sensei." The two bowed, their foreheads touching the tatami mats before bringing themselves back up. With one final smile, Master Splinter dismissed them with a nod, releasing a huge weight off of Raphael's shoulders as him and Leo got up from their kneeling positions and made their way out of the dojo.

"Well, that went well," Leo sighed a breath a relief, though it was immediately cut off after Raph grabbed hold of his neck in a rough-housing headlock.

"Leo, you dork! Why the hell didn't ya tell me you talked to Splinter about our argument and _nothing else_?I nearly had a friggin' heart attack when he said we all needed to talk."

"Well sor-ry," Leo retorted, his hands tugging fruitlessly at his younger brother's arms so they weren't crushing at his windpipe. "You were taking your sweet time coming down to the dojo that I didn't get a chance to tell you before practice. At least now it's over and we don't have to worry. Now will you _please_ let me go? I can't … I can't breathe!"

Lips curling into a light grin, Raphael released his hold on his brother with one, aggressive shove, causing Leo to nearly topple over himself before regaining his balance. He took in as much air as he could now that he was free, straightening himself up while shooting Raph a dangerous glare. "Thanks."

"No prob." Raphael chuckled, his arms crossed over his plastron nonchalantly.

There was an air of silence that lingered between the two of them, a growing awkwardness that fed upon the realization of what their sensei agreed for them to go through with tonight. For once, it was just going to be the two of them travelling topside. No younger brothers to stand there uncomfortably in case they slipped into an argument. No Casey, no April – just the two of them expanding upon whatever … _this_ … was.

"So-"

"We don't have to make this awkward," Leo interrupted, his head lowered but his gaze focused directly on Raphael, making him appear small and … almost vulnerable.

"Okay." Raphael nodded. "So how do we make this _not_ awkward?"

"Just, treat it like it's an average night. Just a regular evening patrol, but without the rest of the team."

"And without the patrol part."

"Right. Yeah." His voice was quiet, just a mere hair's breadth above a whisper, a tone so unlike Leonardo that Raphael couldn't help but wonder whether or not his brother really did want to go through with this. What were they even going to do on this night alone together anyway? After all, Raph wasn't the one that had initiated it. That was all Leo. So why did he sound so unsure of this all of a sudden? Was he having second thoughts on whatever it was he planned the two of them doing? Or was he finally seeing the big picture of what was really going on; what Raphael was and how it affected not only him, but Leo as well? Because this wasn't a secret Raph could take with him to the grave anymore. After last night, Leo was involved in it as well, and to take on something as filthy and tarnished with shame and disgrace as consensual incest, Raphael didn't think his honor bound brother would be 'up to it' as he had hoped. Not even Raph was still one hundred percent _okay_ with the kind of person he was, even after knowing for a good seven years or so. Like Leo said back in his room, he couldn't process everything and come up with a straight answer in a matter of days. These things took time. But Raphael was beginning to wonder if it was too much for his older brother to handle.

"Hey," Raphael tilted his head, trying to catch sight of Leo's ocean blue eyes. "What's up with this, Fearless Leader? Why're ya suddenly … withdrawin' now?"

"I-" Leonardo hesitated, his shoulders slumping with the release of a long, withheld sigh. He brought his hand up to his head and smoothed it over, fingers gliding down the tails of his bandana before he could muster up a word. "I'm scared."

"Of what?" Raphael asked, his eyes reflecting both curiosity and concern. He could feel that tugging urge pressuring him to rest a comforting hand atop his brother's shoulder, but the resistance in his legs prevented him from doing so, the fear in the back of his mind making him believe that it wasn't his place – wasn't the right thing to do. So he gave Leo his space and allowed him to elaborate.

Forever and a second swept by before Leo finally spoke, his tongue sweeping over his dry lips as he fished for the right words. "What if this … _us_ , doesn't work out? Will we go back to practically hating each other?"

"Woah, woah, who said anythin' 'bout me hatin' you?" Raphael asked, this time actually stepping towards his brother without the fear of feeling as though he were invading his space. "Leo, we may have our differences, but that don't mean we're like sworn enemies or somethin'. I could never hate my big bro."

"No … you can't. But you could feel something else for me, can't you?"

Raphael didn't know how to take that, whether he should be offended or … he didn't really know what else to feel. He knew Leo didn't mean it as an insult, but no matter how many times he replayed it in his head, he couldn't perceive it as anything other than that.

"Are you … are you made at me?"

"What?" Leo sounded taken-aback, his eyes finally focused on Raphael's face. "No, I … God, no, Raph. I'm … geez, I'm not mad, I'm just … I … I wish I could feel just as passionately about something as you can. If anything I'm-"

"Jealous?" Raphael asked, shaking his head in misunderstanding. "I don't understand. I see the way you get when it comes to trainin', the strength and drive you put into getting better and better. That's passion right there, Leo."

"Yes, but it's not _your_ kind of passion, Raph. _This_ ,"—he motioned to the two of them with his finger, emphasizing his point—"I want this _not_ to be a one-sided thing. I don't want us to go back to always bickering at one another for the stupidest things. I want there to be peace between us, Raphael. I want there to be … serenity. Understanding…. Love."

He could feel his cheeks warming at his older brother's words, a blush spreading across his face that caused Raph to bow his head in embarrassment. He was never any good at emotional talks such as these, but he mustered up the courage to say at least something, anything that would show Leo that there was, indeed, hope for the two of them. Whether this thing between the two of them fell through or not.

"Alright, enough of this scaredy-cat bullcrap, Leo. That's not the Leo I know and you know damn well that's not the Leo you are. The Leo we both know would take this thing head on. The Leo I know would balance the pros and cons and go through with it anyway, because that would be the heroic thing to do. Or somethin' like that. The Leo I know wouldn't give up before he even threw his head in the game. Because the Leo I know is tough. Strong. And when he sets his mind on somethin', there ain't no turnin' back. So what if nothing happens, big whoop? We're still family, Leo. We still got each other, standin' side-by-side whenever we need each other. Through thick and thin, that's what they always say, right? So what'dya say, Fearless Leader? Are you in or are you out?"

"I-" he hesitated for a moment, staring into Raphael's eyes with a hint of wonder, his disinclinations dwindling slowly before he smiled up at his brother and held out his hand. "I'm in. Let's get through this. Together."

"Atta boy, Leo." He slapped his hand against his brother's, gripping it in a firm arm wrestling hold before patting Leo proudly on the shell. "So what's the game plan for tonight? After all, you're the one that convinced Sensei to let us go topside so we could 'reconcile our differences'."

"And we're gonna do just that," Leo answered with a smile, laughing at the rather confused look Raphael shot his way. "Don't worry, it'll be fun. I promise."

"Fun?" Raphael snorted derisively. "Don't know how reconcilin' our differences can be viewed as fun, but, whatever. You're the brains of this operation, I guess."

"I'm glad you see it my way," Leo chuckled, though his smile quickly faded when he noticed the distinct, black circles around Raph's eyes had grown more noticeable since earlier this morning. Nudging his head in the direction of the bedrooms, he said, "You should probably see if you can get some sleep now. Wouldn't want you falling asleep on me when before the fun even gets to start tonight."

At the mention of sleep, Raphael immediately let out a tired, drawn out yawn, his eyelids growing so heavy that it was starting to become a chore just to keep them up. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Wake me up an hour before we gotta go, alright? That way I can eat somethin' before this 'fun' little journey begins."

"You got it. See you in a few hours?"

Raphael groggily raised a thumbs up, suppressing yet another yawn as he made his way toward his bedroom door, hand hovering over the door handle. "You bet."

"Good," Leo smiled, already turning towards the kitchen. "It's a date."

He paused, watching as Leo dipped into the kitchen, his words echoing vibrantly inside Raphael's head, like a catchy song one couldn't help but replay over and over and over again. He felt light, airy, a small smile spreading across his face that Raphael probably thought looked about as dopey as the grins Donnie made whenever April threw him a compliment of some sorts. Nevertheless, he felt amazing, and when he tried to slip inside his room to let sleep finally take over, Raphael was immediately stopped by slamming face-first into his still shut bedroom door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I can go on a long, giant list of why I haven't updated this fic in a while, but I don't wanna bore you guys with the details. Let's just say I've been REALLY busy and the stress will probably be kicking in soon once I start taking classes again this Tuesday. (Chemistry, ugh! I'm getting horrible PTSD from my high school Chemistry class...)
> 
> Originally, this chapter was going to turn out way different, but I realized it would've been way too long if I tried to fit everything I wanted to in it, so I sort of cut this chapter in half. Not only that, but the second half was giving me a little trouble, so I figured I'd give you guys this first half and save you having to wait MONTHS for an update. Though with school coming up, I might not update this story until the semester comes to an end, but summer semester is usually pretty short. We'll see what happens. :)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! :D

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To no degree was Raphael considered a morning person.

Aside from Mikey, whenever he and his brothers had to get up for morning practice, Raphael was always the one that had to force himself to crawl out of bed and saunter into the dojo like a brain-dead zombie, his mood squished in-between the levels of 'cranky' and 'if you so much as breathe too loud I'm going to elbow you straight in the face'. For Leo and Donnie, that wasn't the case – though Raph was beginning to think Donnie merely ran on cat naps and a pot of coffee a day rather than getting a full night's worth of sleep. Leo, on the other hand, was the epitome of someone who was well-rested and fully functional, always getting in his eight hours and still being the first to wake up at six o'clock in the friggin' morning with a smile on his face and enough energy that made Raph want to slap the pep right out of Leo's system. Who in their right mind actually _enjoyed_ getting up that early every day? Not Raph, that was for damn sure.

Lazily, Raphael glanced over at the red, digital numbers on his alarm clock and sighed. It was already approaching seven o'clock and Leo still hadn't come to his room to wake him up. Not only that, but he couldn't smell any food being made, which meant Mikey probably ordered pizza again. That posed a problem. If it were any other night, Raph wouldn't mind, but the fact that he had plans later on, it made the hothead a little ticked off. He managed to get in a good amount of sleep so he wouldn't be groggy on his and Leo's little … outing. But if there wasn't any food in his belly, then tonight was going to be rather pointless. No use in reconciling their differences if he was cranky all night because of lack of food. If anything, it would throw them right back to where they started, always at each other's throats over pointless shit. And Raphael didn't want that. He wanted to look past that and he knew Leo wanted the same thing as well. So, with a hearty yawn and a good, long stretch, Raphael rose from his bed and drifted off into the living room, wondering what kind of quick snacks they had in the kitchen that would hopefully hold him off for the night.

The Lair was always more lively when Casey and April were around, especially on the weekends, when the two spent most, if not the entire weekend with Raph and his brothers. Everyone filled the Pit with their preferred seat and a couple of snacks to keep themselves satisfied until dinner, all either paying attention to whatever show was on TV or keeping up small talk with whoever was listening. Master Splinter never really joined in on gatherings such as these, but Raphael noticed Leo was the only one missing from the Pit. Probably squeezing in one last workout before their supposed 'fun' night out together. Typical.

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty. Finally get tired of waiting for your Prince Charming to come wake you up?" Casey guffawed, earning a shove from April for his less than funny sense of humor.

Rolling his eyes, Raphael wedged himself between the two inside the Pit. His stomach rumbled at the aroma of chips and soda being passed around, so he reached over for the nearest bag, which happened to be resting on Donatello's lap. Without skipping a beat, Raphael yanked the bag right from under his brother's nose, shoveling handful after handful of salty chips straight into his mouth.

"Looks like Sleeping Beauty ain't too worried about his figure," Casey teased, taking one final swig from his soda before crushing it with his hand. "Hey, when's dinner, Mike?"

Raphael swallowed his mouthful of chips. "Yeah, I'm starvin'. Did you order any pizza?"

Without taking his eyes off the television screen, Mikey answered, "Uh, yeah, about five minutes ago."

 _Dammit_ , Raphael growled. No way was the pizza going to get to the Lair before him and Leo had to leave, so that left him with nothing but chips to satisfy his growing appetite. He could probably run to the kitchen and make a quick bowl of ramen, but wouldn't that come off as a little suspicious after Mikey just stated that he had ordered pizza not too long ago? Did anyone even know about his and Leo's … date? No … no that just sounded weird. At least when Raph thought about it. When Leo said it, it sounded … kinda nice. Almost exciting, like when a child hears he's getting something special for Christmas or his birthday; that inkling of curiosity that sent a rush of jitters straight through Raphael's stomach. Either that or it could be the hunger getting worse. Dammit, he was hungry, and the bag of chips he was holding wasn't exactly full. In fact, it was nearly empty.

"Raph?"

Raphael immediately snapped himself out of his thoughts. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed Leo standing near the dojo, sheathing his _katana_ before walking toward the Pit. "I was just about to go wake you up."

"Yeah, thanks for takin' your sweet time, Fearless," Raphael droned. He winced. After all, tonight wasn't supposed to be about slipping back into old habits. He shook his head and started over. "Uh, Mikey said he ordered a pizza not too long ago. Shouldn't be long before it gets here."

Leonardo's lips tightened into a thin line. For a moment, Raphael could practically feel the discomfort radiating off his older brother as he fidgeted, unsure of how to respond to that. Next to April, Donnie glanced over his shoulder, his brow raised in curiosity. "Why do you still have your straps on? Going somewhere tonight?"

"Uhm-"

"Actually, yes," Leonardo interrupted, catching Raphael off guard. "Uh, Master Splinter sent Raph and I on a, uhm, training exercise for tonight. A little something that will supposedly strengthen our teamwork building skills."

April beamed. "Oh, well that's great! Maybe this will help you two get along a little better?"

"Doubt it," Casey snickered, earning twin glares from not only Raph, but from Leo as well. "Just try not to kill each other while you two are out."

"Duly noted," Raphael answered, already crawling out of the Pit. He grabbed hold of Leo's arm, ushering him a few steps back so that they were out of hearing distance. "Seriously, Leo, can't we put this night on hold for a bit until the pizza gets here? I'm starvin'."

"Don't worry about it," Leo answered with a smile.

"Try tellin' that to my stomach."

With a quiet chuckle, Leonardo rested a hand on his brother's shoulder. He glanced over to the Pit to make sure everyone was engrossed in the television. "Listen, I got it covered. I don't want to say too much, but everything will be taken care of if we leave right now. Trust me, you'll understand in a few minutes."

"Leo-"

"Do you trust me?"

Shoulders slumped, Raphael let out a defeated sigh. He'd seen this kind of trick before, also played in the cheesy romance movies he still couldn't believe he'd watched all the way through. The leading male actor would ask the leading female actor if she trusted him, an unpredictable curveball that tested the fate of their developing relationship and where it stood. If anything it was a trap, because if the person in question said no, then it would leave the two of them – and their relationship – in an awkward stance. But if the person said yes, then they were whisked away to whatever mysterious journey the leading male had in store for them. All in all, it was a lose-lose sort of deal, so it was only natural that Raphael shot his brother an unsure look, his stomach protesting with a loud, gluttonous growl.

Resting his hand over his stomach, Raphael stared into Leonardo's eyes, eyes filled with hope and just an underlining of excitement. Inwardly, it made him smile and it made him remember that talk they had earlier after their conversation with Splinter, about how passionate Leonardo could be when it came to certain things. Normally Raphael only had the chance to see it surface during training or whenever his brother would watch _Space Heroes_. But on occasions – occasions such as these – Raphael could see it materialize in his vibrate, ocean blue eyes, a shimmer of anticipation and hope and just the slightest bit of nervousness; emotions that Raphael had been feeling ever since that moment Leo left his room this morning.

_"I never give up easily, Raph. So what makes you think I'll ever give up on you?"_

With a small shake of his head and one more sigh, Raphael offered his brother a pat on the shell and walked right past him. "Alright, fine. Let's hurry up and get this over with."

"You won't be disappointed. I promise," Leo said with a smile, already hurrying toward the turnstiles like a giddy child.

"Yeah? Well me and my stomach are gonna hold you to that, Fearless."

* * *

Summer nights were always the best time to go out on patrol. The sun was no longer out, torturing everyone with its blazing rays. The air was crisp and vibrant, feeling good grazing against Raphael's face. Hell, even the people seemed to be in a more upbeat mood, strolling through the city and enjoying the nightlife – no monsters, mutants, or evil robot ninjas terrorizing their good times. Nope, tonight was a night like any other – as normal as normal could get. Though, what could really be classified as normal when you were a teenage mutant ninja turtle? Nevertheless, it all felt so invigorating to Raph; a nice change of pace getting out of that stuffy Lair and being able to fill his nostrils with fresh, cool air. Well, fresh in New York City's standards, that is.

Keeping pace with his brother, Raphael tore through the rooftops with the speed and agility of a warrior on a mission, leaping off edges and scaling through fire escapes, all while adding a personal flare to it from time to time. Backflips off sturdy, graffiti-covered walls. Handspring-landings after jumping off a much taller building. It wasn't all really necessary, but he was doing it just for the sheer hell of it, making sure Leo was watching every time he stuck a perfect landing. At first, his brother found it amusing, but when Raph started to get a little fancier – crawling up a rickety fire escape and hoisting his upper body in a frontwards flip so that his arms pushed him up and over the roof's railing – the leader shook his head with a blasé grin.

"Becoming quite the show off tonight, aren't you?" Leo chuckled.

Raphael simply shrugged. "You can't show off what comes naturally, oh Fearless One."

"Oh really? I didn't know backflips and handstands off of buildings was deemed _natural_. I'll remember that when I'm running for my life away from Shredder's Footbots."

Raphael let out an amused chuckle, nudging his brother in the side, who, in return, offered him a playful nudge. Beating around the bush wasn't usually Leo's forte, but Raph was grateful his brother didn't actively point out the obvious; that Raph wasn't doing all these fancy moves to show off, but to impress. Now that he stopped and thought about it, Raph couldn't feel any more like a tool, but Leo had done it on one occasion – that night they were taking down the Kraang in a dark alley and Leo caught sight of Karai watching them. Like a flip of a switch, Leo instantly went into douchebag mode, stealing all of their attacks with decorative sweeps and kicks that was more colorful than tactful. All to impress some girl. Impressing the enemy….

Raphael shook his head, blocking those thoughts before they had time to fester. He didn't want to think about Karai at a moment like this, when him and Leo had this rare opportunity of doing whatever they wanted without the distraction of their brothers or Casey and April. Tonight was about them and Raph wasn't about to let the Princess of the Foot ruin it, especially when she wasn't even here.

"We picked a good night to come out."

His brother's words caught him completely off guard. "Huh?"

Leonardo offered Raph a smile. "Tonight." He motioned to the sky with his chin, the tails of his bandana dancing in tune with the wind. "It's gorgeous out right now. So calm and peaceful. We picked a good night to come out."

"Oh. Right." Raphael rubbed the back of his neck. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, but he hadn't the slightest idea why. Of course Leo was talking about the weather. What did he think his brother was referring to?

Clearing his throat, he changed the subject. "S-So, uhm, h-how much longer 'til we reach this place?"

"It should be coming up on this next street here." He walked towards the roof's railing, crouching low. "There are a lot of people out on the streets tonight, so we have to keep a low profile less we get spotted. Got it?"

Raphael nodded, bending his legs and switching into full ninja mode. His hands hovered over his _sais_ just in case he needed to use them for whatever reason.

Following his brother, they leapt over the railing and down the connecting fire escape, scaling as quickly and quietly as possible, all while making sure to blend in with the shadows. Leonardo was right, there was a great amount of people shuffling about, laughing and chatting while trying not to bump into each other. It was a lively atmosphere and as they reached ground level, hiding behind an over-stuffed dumpster and a couple of trash cans, Raphael could smell the delicious aroma of food wafting through his nostrils.

His stomach hummed excitedly. " _Ohhh_ , man. Do you smell that? Smells like someone's roasting a pig or something." He inhaled deeply, eyes shut in pure bliss as he took in all the scents. " _Shit_."

Leonardo chuckled amusingly. "It does smell good, doesn't it?" He peaked over the dumpster they were crouching behind, scanning the area to make sure there were no wandering eyes. "April told me about this event a few days ago. Every first Saturday of the month, they close off this street and make room for all the farmers who come from Congers, Red Hook, Wading River – anywhere they harvest crops. It's basically a farmer's market, but they have little games and activities for kids. There's live music, merchant stands"—he glanced over his shoulder, offering Raph a big, toothy grin—"and _plenty_ of food."

"Awesome!" Raphael rubbed his hands together, licking his lips hungrily. "Where do we start?"

Leonardo held up a hand. "Remember why we're here tonight, Raph. We need to strengthen our teamwork building skills and our trust in one another as partners. Master Splinter gave us the opportunity to do this together without the others around, so let's at least take advantage of the situation."

Raphael groaned, his shoulders sagging in defeat. "Way to turn dinner into another one of your training exercises, Dr. Phil."

"We promised Splinter this is what we'd be doing. After all, this is the whole reason we're even out together tonight."

"I thought the whole point of this night was to not treat it like another one of our patrols," Raphael pointed out. The tone in his voice was beginning to grow frustrated and he could tell Leo could sense it, his shoulders sagging a fraction of an inch.

"Look. Raph. This is something we need to help us with our … disagreements."

Raphael snorted. "Well aren't we off to a great start."

His posture stiffened, not out of frustration but out of offence, like a blow to the gut Leo didn't even see coming. Though he tried to appear stoic, Raph could see the slight hurt in his brother's eyes, causing the guilt to seep into his gut and make him wish he would've just bit his tongue and went along with his brother's idea. After all, Leo was right. The reason they were even out here without Donnie and Mikey was because Splinter thought they were doing some exercises that would help with their constant arguing. What would their father do if he saw his sons come home bickering at one another so bad that it escalated into a screaming match? Raph didn't want that.

Pushed out of his thoughts, Raphael could feel a warm hand blanket over his shoulder, a pair of warm eyes locking together with his own. "We're not just doing this for our family, Raph. We're doing this for us. There are a lot of severed ties between you and I that need mending and tonight is the night we fix them. Together." Leo tilted his head ever so slightly, their eye contact never breaking. "Don't you want that?"

Immediately, Raphael could feel his shoulders tense, eyes parallel to the floor as a warm, pink blush started to spread across his cheeks. It wasn't like he didn't _want_ him and Leo to start getting along – he did! He really did. But it was going to take some time. And a great deal of effort. Like Leo mentioned before, they had a lot of severed ties that needed extra care and attention if they were going to get anywhere. Those sort of problems didn't just fix themselves overnight….

"Are you scared?"

Raphael was caught off guard. "What?"

"Are you scared?" Leo repeated, his expression soft and genuine. "Scared that something like this is going to … to change us?"

"Well, yeah, 'course it'll change us. But it'll change us for the better, right?"

"That's the plan." Leo smiled, though it was immediately replaced with undefined concern. "So why are you fighting this all of sudden?"

"I … I don't know." Raphael sighed, rubbing the back of his neck before flipping his bandana tails with a frustrated groan. "I guess … I guess I wasn't expectin' this whole thing to be what it is."

"What do you mean?" Leo asked.

"You know, the whole reconcilin' our differences thing. I thought we were going to do it in a way that … that didn't involve training missions. We can do that at home, Leo. Tonight was supposed to be … I don't know—"

"Special?" Leo offered, his lips quirked in a half smile. He was hoping it would bring forth a small chuckle out of his brother, but it only made Raph seem to withdrawal a little bit, his head bent down in what could be confused as shame, but it was probably embarrassment. Despite knowing in the back of his mind that he always had a thing for Leo for nearly half his life didn't squander the fact that Raph still wasn't one hundred percent accepting of the idea. Even now that Leo knew, Raphael couldn't help but feel a little ounce of guilt every time he thought about _those_ type of feelings – feelings that he was taught were forbidden and disgusting and not accommodating to societal norms. I mean, look at him, he was already a mutant that humans wouldn't possibly be able to accept with his abnormal, grotesque appearance. Throwing in the factor that he was subject to thoughts of incest just tipped the scale even further to how much of a freak he was. An outcast. A monster….

"Hey," Leo grabbed his attention, turning his brother so that they were standing face-to-face. "You know we never get times like these to ourselves without Donnie and Mikey shuffling behind us, right? The only times we're alone together is when we're on a stake out mission or helping Donnie fish for supplies at the dump. Tonight, it's just you and me, Raph."

"Yeah, so?" Raphael asked with a raise of his brow.

Leo placed both hands on both of his shoulders, looking his brother straight in the face with a bright spark that formed a twinkle in his eyes. "So something like that, I think makes this night pretty damn special. It doesn't matter what we do, Raph, so long as we're with each other. No little brothers to interfere or Casey and April to chime in with their two cents. Tonight, it's just you and me. And that should be the only thing that matters."

Though Raph often hated it when Leo was right, he couldn't think of anything else that would prove his brother's point wrong. Everywhere they went, Mikey and Donnie usually always tagged along, mostly because they were raised as a unit and never really went anywhere by themselves when they were finally able to go up to the surface. A night with just the two of them – whether they were reconciling their differences through training missions or just plain _talking_ – Raph didn't care. So long as they did it together.

Master Splinter said if they were going to resolve any of their conflicts, they had to get the heart of the problem and settle their differences by communicating with one another. Communication wasn't always Raphael's strong point. Neither was getting to the heart of … well, anything. He kept things bottled up – stored away in its own little box until it was practically begging, _screaming_ to be let out. And it usually was, through fits of anger and rage and blindsided fury; a tidal wave of flooding emotions just crashing down. But Leo was always a critical thinker, just like Donnie. If there was a problem that needed to be fixing, Leo would sit there and think of solution after solution until one sounded like it would benefit the best. He didn't mind sitting for hours on end talking about the situation, because if it meant there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, then he would work at it until he got towards the end of that tunnel.

Raph didn't think he'd voice it out loud – at least anytime soon – but he needed someone like Leo when it came to all the emotional talking. Where Raph's solution was to keep it bottled up inside, Leo's solution was to pry it out, carefully and cautiously, like he had just done tonight. Though they still needed to work on trusting one another, Raph figured settling their first couple of arguments was a big step in the right direction, leading them to a path of peace and serenity. What followed afterwards, Raph wasn't sure, but he knew if he was going to take this journey of growth and development, he was glad he was taking it with Leo right by his side.

"Alright, enough of this sentimental bull crap," Raphael grinned. "Let's find us something to eat."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *waves shyly* Uhm, hi...
> 
> My deepest apologies, readers. I know I've been out of commission for what seems like forever (at least it feels like forever to me). I could bore you with all the stuff I've been going through here in RL land, but I don't want to do that since it seems like a common norm for me to do whenever I haven't updated for a story in a while. Truth be told, I've also been having a LOT of trouble with this chapter. Don't know why, seeing as writing angsty Leo and Raph is my specialty, but for some reason, this chapter went through revision after revision after revision. But rest assured, I have no plans on giving up on this story, especially since I have plans for it to end pretty soon. 
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter goes out to all my reviewers who were asking if I was going to continue. Most of you guys were anonymous, so I couldn't message ya an say, "Yes! Yes I will continue it, I'm just in a slump right now! But don't worry! I'm working on it as we speak!". I apologize if this chapter reads a little different than what I've normally been pumping out, mainly because of all the revisions it went through and partly because I haven't written fan fiction in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You're so indecisive, what I'm saying
> 
> Tryna catch the beat, make up your heart
> 
> Don't know if you're happy or complaining
> 
> Don't want for us to end, where do I start" – Justin Bieber, "What Do You Mean"

* * *

 

Raphael did one final scan of the perimeter.

Eyes focused on the surroundings beneath him, his gaze flicked back and forth amongst the hoarding crowds; shuffling through the long, busy strip of road, decorated in various display tents and food stands. He could smell the delicious, mouth-watering aroma of grilled meats, roasted vegetables, and deep fried, cholesterol-spiking baked goods, all intermingled into one glorious fragrance that wafted straight into his empty stomach. It gurgled fastidiously, ravenous and agitated after being denied a quick snack back at the Lair. Right by his side, Leonardo asked, "Do you need me to go over the plan one last time?"

Raphael crouched low over the railing of the fire escape, his body hunched over like that of a predacious gargoyle. "We go in, grab as much as we can, and get out. Seems pretty simple enough."

"Remember, misdirection and camouflage," Leonardo prompted, his eyes also scanning over the hundreds of bystanders wading through the thick crowds. "There's a lot of people out tonight, so if we're not careful, then we're sure to get spotted."

Raphael chuckled lowly, the iron railing creaking beneath the grip of his fingers. "So don't get caught."

Swinging his body forward, Raphael launched himself over the railing and down the fire escape. His movements were swift; nimble yet full of grace, despite his burly form. He kept his footwork light when landing on the rusty, iron bars, making sure to be as quiet as possible when reaching the tent. Above him, Leo watched from the top of the fire escape, his eyes flicking back towards the crowds to make sure there were no wandering eyes. When the coast was clear, he too descended down the many rickety steps, landing promptly right next to his brother in a silenced 'thump' against the cool, spongy grass. The two exchanged a quick nod and carefully, oh so carefully, they lowered their bodies just a mere inches down and peaked through the back opening of the tent.

It was a large tent, but thankfully only three people were working behind the station. Set up on both sides were two large, double barrel charcoal grills, each layered with fire-smoked juicy burger patties layered with bubbling, melted cheese and caramelized onions. In the middle was a long stretch, fold-up table with condiments, paper plates, cups and napkins all scattered in a hellish heap that didn't seem to the confuse the busy workers handing out food to their hungry customers. It smelled like a carnivore's paradise, but the clouded smoke from the grills was turning the inside of the tent into one big meat sauna. Thankfully, there was a large, portable fan tucked away in the corner, guiding all the smoke and suffocating heat through the tent's opening. Keeping their bodies low to the ground, both Raph and Leo hid behind the portable fan.

Raphael covered his mouth to silence his throaty coughs. "Holy shit, this place is nothin' but smoke." He choked, eyes brimming with fresh tears. "How the hell can anyone breathe in here?"

Holding a finger to his lips, Leonardo shushed Raphael before peeking through the fan's whirling blades. Following suit – or at least as best as he could through his bleary vision – Raph kept his focus on the three guys inside the tent with them. One seemed to be in charge of the grill stations, walking back and forth from one side of the tent to the other to flip patties and toasted hamburger buns before assembling them together on paper plates. The other two workers were manning the 'cashier' area, handing out food and taking cash all while occasionally turning away from customers to grab sodas and bottled water from the coolers underneath the fold-up table. None of them seemed to have any reason to wander towards the back, but if him and Leo were going to get food for themselves, they had to figure out a way to get the three workers away from the food stations long enough for the two of them to grab what they needed and duck back out without being seen.

 _Misdirection and camouflage_ , Raphael reminded himself and at that thought, he had an idea.

"Wait here," he ordered Leo. Reaching for his belt, Raph pulled out one of his _sai_. Swiftly, but quietly, he moved towards the closest cooler he could reach and pulled out a bottled water, making sure to hurry back behind the portable fan before he was spotted. Eyeing him curiously, Leo watched as Raph unscrewed the cap, took a quick swig for himself before batting at the beads of sweat that were decorating his forehead, and waited, keeping his gaze locked on the grill guy.

After a few seconds of silence – and one long gulp of water – Leo finally asked, "What exactly are we waiting for-"

_KRRRKKrrkkkggghhhhh!_

Sparks erupted and the whirling blades clanged and clattered against Raphael's jammed _sai_ before stopping completely. It caused a ruckus so loud that the three workers stopped what they were doing and turned around, causing Leo's heart to leap into his throat before he crouched down even further behind the fan. Keeping the broken fan up so as not to blow their cover, Raph aimed his puffed cheeks towards the nearest grill station, puckered his lips, and let it rain all over the juicy meat patties and toasted hamburger buns, disturbing the charcoaled flames and causing an outburst of steam to fill the tent.

Beneath him,Leo grimaced, and although a tactful plan, it was the most disgusting thing he had seen his brother do that night. But he got what Raph was trying to do, and it worked out in their favor, because in a matter of seconds, the tent was so full of steam and smoke and muggy heat, the three workers were beginning to hack and cough violently, their eyes squinting shut to protect their vision from the clouding smoke.

"Quick, grab what ya can and let's get outta here," Raphael ordered. He rushed towards the condiments table and snatched himself a plate, maneuvering pretty swiftly for someone who was just complaining about the smoke earlier. Hunger must be driving his encouragement, Leo thought and although he wasn't one to complain, he really didn't want to stay in a smoke-infested tent for too long.

_"Emilio! Shut that goddamn grill so we can clear out all this smoke!"_

_"G-Got it-"_ Emilio choked, his voice sounding as dry as the desert sun. _"Got it, Dad!"_

Rushing to grab as much as they could carry, both Leo and Raph nodded their confirmation before dashing towards the back of the tent, already hearing the squeaking top cover of the grill being close shut. With both of their arms full – as well as something hanging from Raphael's mouth – the two barrel-rolled out of the tents opening flaps, tucking and rolling onto the wet grass. They could see the smoke trickling out of the tent's opening, hearing the commotion of bystanders as well as Emilio's dad shouting swears and orders in Spanish to what were probably his two sons. With everyone's attention diverted, the two brothers began their escape, but not before Leo reached into his belt and pulled a crumbled twenty dollar bill, which he reached back inside the tent and left behind the broken fan before ascending back up the fire escape with Raph in toe.

* * *

"So?" Leonardo asked. "What did you think?"

Taking an enormous chomp out of the burger that was hanging from his lips, Raphael held on to the juicy, dripping remains while he chewed, his eyes rolling in the back of his head in pure delight. "What do I think?" He asked between a mouthful of gooey cheese and seasoned beef patty. "I think this is the best damn burger I've ever tasted! Definitely worth the wait."

Chuckling lightly, Leo rested his plate to the side and sat, legs folded in meditation pose. "I was talking about the mission. Now that wasn't so bad now, was it? We got in, got ourselves some food, and got out, no sweat."

Raphael held up a finger, his mouth still very much filled to the brim with chewed up food. "I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one."

Leonardo rolled his eyes. "Okay, so it could've been a lot cooler in that tent, but the point is, we got through the mission without arguing. That's a start, right? In the end, I think this night turned out pretty successful if I do say so myself."

Shoulders moving as he chuckled, Raphael set what was left of his burger down on his plate. "What? Don't tell me getting a bite to eat was all you had planned for our little night on the town, huh?"

Lifting his burger to his lips, Leonardo to a gracious bite before reaching over for his soda, his eyes shifting mischievously towards Raphael. "Oh, don't worry. I still have one more outing in mind before we call it a night. But I'll leave that to your imagination." He cracked open the can, taking quite a few sips before Raph realized Leo was just going to leave it at that – a mystery beyond what he could think of simply because his brother was shockingly full of creativity. Hell, the whole farmer's market thing caught him by total surprise, so who knew what his brother had stewing in that brain of his?

 _Hopefully not another training mission_ , Raphael thought, exasperated. Although this first one got him food in the long run, he didn't want that to be the highlight of the night; a night where he finally got to spend some time with his brother, alone. Without Donnie and Mikey being added on as extra weight, Raphael figured this would be a good chance for the two of them to … act like themselves. To be more than just the bickering older brothers that never seemed to see eye-to-eye. And while yes, it was sad that that was how Donnie and Mikey usually saw the two, Raphael knew in his heart that it didn't always have to be that way; that there was hope for the two of them to mend all of the broken bonds that were shattered as they grew older and more distant towards each other. As Raph grew more distant, all because of some stupid feelings he didn't want to come to terms with….

Well tonight was different. Whether he accepted himself for who was or not, he needed to give Leo some clarity after their big argument the other night – after dumping years worth of self-aggravation and bottled up emotions right on top of his brother's shoulders without so much as a warning at all. He didn't want to confess that way, but after seeing the realization in Leonardo's eyes, he panicked. And when he panicked, he screamed.

"Can I ask you something?"

Snapping himself out of his thoughts, Raphael's gaze shifted curiously, his arms encircled around his legs when he was finally finished with his food. "Shoot."

Slowly, Leonardo lowered his half-empty can and sighed. His head was bowed, gaze not really locked on anything in particular; out of focus. Inwardly, Raphael could feel his nerves starting to jumble, but he kept a cool façade, even though it was clear Leonardo was trying to his damnedest to avoid any eye contact at all costs. Raphael couldn't let his guard down, couldn't allow his shields to lower and reveal how frightened he truly felt. He had to appear stoic; fearless.

One of them had to be the brave one here.

"You," Leo started, his lips pursed in a frustrated line. "When did you find out? About-" He pointed back and forth between the two of them, blue eyes finally locked with bright green. "this?"

There was a pause, a long one that seemed to do nothing but thicken the air of discomfort, feeding the silence. For Leo, all he could do was stare at his brother, anticipating an answer that he knew he wasn't going to get out of Raph that easily. But he waited, giving his brother the time and patience he needed in order to come up with a response – a response that Raphael had tried to figure out for the last seven years.

"I … I don't really know how to answer to that," he answered lamely. He looked up at Leo and anticipated the slightly annoyed look, holding up his hands in a silent request for peace. "Really, I don't, Leo. You- you think all the answers just come to you the moment you start to realize you're a little … different. But they don't. I'm more confused than I ever was before I started to realize what affection was. What … what love was. Is. I-I have no fucking idea what I've gotten myself into, because you know for damn sure if I did, I'd be doing everything in my power to get myself out of it. I-" He paused, arms circling tighter around his legs, pressing them closer against his plastron. "I _hate_ feeling this way…."

He could feel it like a straight shot through the heart, a metaphorical stab that stung worse than any other battle wound he had endured throughout the years. Absentmindedly, Leo placed a hand over his plastron, his eyes facing downward, unsure of what to say. "Do … Do I really make you feel that way, Raph?"

Shooting his head up, Raphael snapped his gaze towards his older brother, his eyes swimming in panic as the words tumbled out of his mouth like waterfalls. "Woah, hey, no, Leo. I-I didn't mean it like that."

His words were met with dark, hooded eyes, a gaze that held so little emotion, yet it told Raph everything he needed to know. He was never any good at talking and Leo of all people should know that by know, given their history of many arguments, screaming matches, and harsh disagreements that in the end lead to Raphael just storming off and dropping the subject. Raphael could count on one hand how many times he and his brother actually settled their differences by talking it out, so it wasn't a surprise that tonight would be any different. Still, he couldn't just get up and walk away from the situation. After all, these weren't just his own feelings he was juggling with. Not anymore.

Fishing for the right words to say, Raphael shifted his gaze towards the dwindling bystanders below them, dispersing into smaller and smaller groups as the market started to close down for the night. The silence between them swept like an eerie fog, engulfing Raph in a suffocating embrace that made him choke and fumble over his words, frustrating him to the point of deep anger. But he didn't let it get to that level. Not tonight. So instead, he took a deep breath, releasing his hindrances and quelling his boiling rage. Like a river over stone, Master Splinter had taught him.

"Remember how I said you wouldn't understand what I'm going through?" Raphael asked, catching Leonardo completely off guard. "I wasn't lying when I said that. I wasn't just saying it just to get you to leave me alone and drop the whole conversation. For something that started out as mild affection back when we were kids and grew into something else – something a lot more … serious. They're feelings I can't really come to terms with, Leo. Not because deep down inside I want nothing more than to resent you. No. That's not it all. I just," He sighed, chin resting against the tops of his kneepads in subtle defeat. "This is something I never thought I'd have to go through. And the truth is … I'm terrified I'm going to be the one to fuck it all up."

"I understand," Leo answered, earning a questioning gaze from his younger brother. "Really, I do. Believe me, I of all people should know what it's like to be bestowed with all this unwanted pressure and great expectations. It's a heavy burden to carry, but you don't have to do it alone, Raphael. You of all people should know we're always going to be there for each other. That _I'm_ always going to be there for you. No matter what."

"Yeah," Raphael huffed, the bottom part of his face sinking lower into his folded arms. "And its stuff like that that scares me beyond all reason."

There was a chill in the air, a light breeze that caused the ends of their masks to dance and brush across their shoulders, like the gentle hand of a parent tucking loose strands of hair behind their child's ear in a loving gesture. And for a while, the two just sat there, hanging on to the silence that, after a while, lost its awkward undertone and shifted more towards something a little more comforting. They knew they still had answers that needed to be sought out – unspoken words that needed to be said. So when Raphael finally spoke up, it caught Leonardo by surprise; especially with what had spilled out of his non-confrontational brother's lips.

"The other night," Raphael started, his chin still resting atop of his worn out kneepads. "when we were having our argument in my room, and I started blowing up about Karai. What … I mean-" he shook his head, his hand resting against his temple. "You said I wasn't really talking about Karai. Like you knew I was subconsciously degrading myself for … for having these sort of, ah, feelings. But yet, you thought I had a crush on her?" He looked up at Leo, his brow scrunched up in utter confusion. "How does that make any sense?"

"I-" Leonardo sighed, hanging his head almost shamefully before bringing his own legs close to his body. He shrugged his shoulders, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. "I guess, from the beginning, I kind of already knew who you were referring to."

"So why bring up Karai when I finally came home?" Raphael asked, his curiosity now peeked. "Why even wait for me to come home at all? You knew I was coming back eventually, so why'd you wait up?"

Leonardo chuckled lightly, his wrists laying limping over the tops of his kneepads. "You always make fun of me for being the mother hen of the group. But you're right, I am the doting older brother you always say I am. Even when I don't want to be. That night when you stormed off, it was late and I was tired – especially after the big fight we had with Tiger Claw. I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and settle our argument in the morning, or even forget about it and let us carry on with our lives like we normally do. But do you think my conscious would allow me to do that? No."

Tilting his head sideways, Leo glanced at his brother with a small smile. A genuine smile. One filled with the same kind of warmth Raphael imagined a mother would produce for her children. Because in a way, Leo was almost like the mother neither of them had. He cared for them when Master Splinter couldn't – on training exercises, missions, and every topside encounter that held any ounce of possible danger. Leo was the glue that held Raph and his brothers together. And although Raph teased him and even often degraded Leo for it, he was still always there for them. Always caring.

His eyes darkened from their usual sky blue to the color of dark waters, gaze focused downward, but Raphael could see an inkling of serenity reflecting in his pupils. That small smile still tugged at his brother's lips and for a moment, Raphael wondered what was going through Leonardo's head; what thoughts were percolating that made him smile so fondling, yet avoid any type of eye contact.

"I didn't want to believe it at first." His eyes slid up. Slowly. Cautiously. "I didn't want to believe it, because part of me figured I was just assuming you were referring to yourself. Degrading yourself behind a reflection of Karai. But I couldn't let it go, couldn't just leave it at that without any confirmation. That's a big part of why I waited for you. Why I wouldn't let the conversation just drop. I needed to know."

"And you did," Raphael spoke. He turned his head and looked off into the city, the streets slowly becoming emptier as the night drew to a close. "You got your answer."

"Do I really?" Leo asked, releasing hold of his legs and scooting closer towards his brother. "You're always telling me you've never fully come to terms with this, Raphael. How am I supposed to get an answer out of you if you don't really know the answer yourself?"

It didn't sound harsh, but the words stung like a slap across the face either way, causing Raphael to wince; shoulders taut. He drew in his fingers into tight fists, his arms shaking of their own accord – mouth shrouded beneath his crossed arms. He didn't expect Leo to understand how hard this was for him. How difficult it was being the toughest of their family and having these sort of feelings that weren't typically associated with people like him. But he couldn't live in constant denial all his life – especially now that his best kept secret wasn't exactly a secret anymore. Leonardo deserved answers, not some half-ass, sugar-coated bullshit. He had a right to know the truth, even if it meant things would change between them forever.

"Eight," Raphael answered, earning a confused look from his brother.

"What?"

"I was eight," Raphael continued, the winds playing with the ends of his bandana tails. "When I found out that I was, you know,"—he shrugged his shoulders, unsure of how else to say it—"different. It was the day we graduated from learning hand-to-hand combat to actually using weapons. Remember, those fake little wooden ones so we wouldn't cut ourselves up during practice?"

Leonardo nodded slowly, his mind drifting to that very moment. "I remember."

"Master Splinter had us each step aside and watch him do a few basic _katas_ with our weapons, so we could see firsthand how we were supposed to move and swing and strike. We all sucked big time, but you – you got the hang of things pretty quickly."

Leonardo laughed, despite himself, earning a strange look from Raphael. "Did you forget I nearly whacked Master Splinter in the knee because I wasn't paying attention while I was doing my _kata_?"

"Well, yeah, I didn't say you were perfect," Raphael retorted. "But the way you moved, the way you handled those twin _katana_. Every angled cut, every downward slice, every backwards step. You did it with precision. With poise and self-confidence – like those weapons were made for you. Like it was in your blood. I could've watched you practice for hours."

"And that's when you knew?" Leo asked, his brow raised curiously.

"At first, I didn't really think much of it," Raphael answered, his stature becoming more relaxed the deeper he delved into his story. "But the older I got, the more I realized I admired you more than just when you were doing katas. You took care of us, watched over all three of us whenever Master Splinter left you in charge. And even though we gave you crap for it, you still held strong, making sure we were always safe and never got into trouble. Whenever Donnie needed a test subject for whatever crazy invention he was working on, you were there to lend a helping hand. Whenever Mikey wanted to play hide-and-seek or watch some stupid show, you would always volunteer yourself. And whenever I needed help with a move I couldn't quite get, even after hours of practicing, you were always there to show me how it was done. You were just … always _there_."

He turned his head, eyes soft and purely genuine, his lips forming into a light smile. "That's when I knew." But it was short lived, the sadness suddenly taking over as he bowed his head in shame. "And that's when I started to become distant."

"Because you were scared," Leo stated, everything now suddenly making sense between the two of them. All the constant arguments. All the disagreements. All the screaming and shouting and unnecessary fights….

"So what about you?" Raphael asked, catching the katana-wielder completely off guard. "Where do you stand in all of this?"

For a moment, he was met with silence, watching his brother's brow form a rather harsh crease, confused as to how he would go about answering that question. Raphael knew it wasn't a subject that was easy to respond to, especially since it took him a good seven or so years to come up with a straight answer. But he wasn't asking for much – at least he didn't think he was. But still, he knew Leo was still new to this whole … situation, so it was only normal that his older brother fumbled over his words for a few seconds before clearing his throat and coming up with a response. However, the response he got wasn't exactly what Raphael was looking for.

"We should probably continue on with our night," Leonardo answered lamely, stretching out his legs and already getting back on his feet. "You know, before it starts getting too late."

"Is this your way of pussying out?" Raphael droned, his eyes narrowed into rather annoyed slits, but he picked himself up nonetheless.

"I gave you time to come up with a good answer to give me," Leonardo pointed out, his eyes twinkling with something Raphael couldn't quite put his finger on. "All I'm asking is you do the same for me. You got seven years, Raph. Give me at least a seven minutes. Deal?"

He held up his hand, offering a gentleman's handshake that was a little out of character for his older brother. At first, Raphael did nothing but eye it quizzically, but after being offered the brightest of smiles, he couldn't just leave his brother hanging like that. So he laughed, grabbing hold of his Leonardo's hand in a firm grip, bringing him close in a stance that looked like they were about to engage in a game of arm wrestling.

"Deal."

"Thank you," Leonardo whispered, his grip loosening ever so slightly before he pulled his brother in closer, embracing him a small, innocent hug. It caught Raphael completely off guard, his stance rigid before he began to process what was going on. But the moment he began to relax, his free arm lifting to wrap around Leonardo's slender waist, he could feel his brother releasing his hold, stepping aside with a teasing smile that left Raphael completely and utterly confused.

"Come on. We still have one more stop on our list before we call it a night," Leonardo told him, walking casually towards the roof's edge before lowering his body in a sprinter's stance. "Think you can keep up?"

Blinking slowly, Raphael quickly shook himself out of his stupor, his teeth bared in an excited grin as he bounced on the balls of his feet, ready to tear through the streets once again. "Pfft, don't hold your breath."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters to go, folks!
> 
> It's been a while since I've written fan fiction in general, but with the continuation of Season 4 starting up again, I was itching to update this story. I know some of you have been messaging me asking when I was going to update and now finally, here it is! Sorry if this chapter reads a little differently. I had to scroll through the story to regain the tone I was going for. Also, this chapter is a little shorter than the others, but don't worry, the next couple of chapters will be doosies! Thank you for being so patient with me guys.
> 
> Enjoy!

The concrete jungle was like a vast playground for the vigilantes of the night. With buildings and billboards and skyscrapers that touched the clouds, for Raphael and his brothers, the city was an endless arena full of shadows and clearings, making blending in and out of the watchful eyes of the humans a piece of cake.

Since their fifteenth Mutation Day, there wasn't much of the city the turtles hadn't already explored. Though, they knew their limits. Some parts of New York City, the uglier parts where the buildings were worn down, the pavements were cracked, and the sound of screaming was almost loud enough to drown out the blasts of shots fired – those were the parts Raphael hated the most. Hated ignoring the most. But Central Park seemed to be the divider that separated those two parts of the city. Not that it didn't have its bad parts too, which was why Raphael was a little surprised when Leonardo began to lead them into the ocean of trees and bushes.

"Woah, hold on," Raphael stopped. "We're going in there? At this time of night?"

Leonardo offered him a small smile, though he could understand his brother's reluctance. "We're not venturing too far into the park. Besides, I think you're really going to like what's in there."

"This ain't gonna lead to another training mission, is it?" Raphael asked, still eyeing the park suspiciously with his arms folded. Leo answered him by shaking his head no, a soft chuckle escaping his lips before he held out his hand. At first, Raphael had no idea what his brother meant by the gesture, but when he looked into those eyes, his actions spoke louder than his words, and it all came tumbling down to that one question Raphael always seemed to have hesitancies answering: "Do you trust me?"

Feeling the slightest twinge of pink forming his cheeks, Raphael accepted his brother's hand and allowed him to guide him through the park. It was strange, putting so much trust into someone else, though Raphael figured it's what he and his brothers did whenever they went on missions or patrols. Leonardo wasn't just their older brother, but their leader. He was the one responsible for whatever happened to them every moment they stepped out of that comfort zone they called home. If one of them was hurt – or even worse, if they were all hurt during battle, it all fell on Leo's shoulders. Why? Because he should've been the one protecting them.

That answer alone was enough to make Raphael call bullshit.

Master Splinter expected a lot from Leo, and to be honest, there were times when Raph felt bad for his older brother because of all the shit their father gave him every time something bad happened. He got a taste of what it was like having to be accountable for his family's well-being and Raphael knew he was never and will never be cut out to handle that much responsibility. But the act of entrusting someone else with his own security; laying his life on the line and handing it over to someone else? Raph just couldn't bring himself to do it sometimes. Not that he didn't trust Leo, but the fact of … opening up to someone like that; allowing them to see into his soul. All of his thoughts. His feelings. His ambitious and secrets. His life. It was mind-blowingly scary and Raphael figured that's why he always argued with Leo whenever they were on their missions or evening patrols. He didn't want to allow himself to be that vulnerable in front of someone. Didn't want to hand over that amount of trust. Because trust could always be broken, and it was usually always the person handed that trust that would eventually break it.

"We're almost there." Leo glanced over his shoulder excitedly. His steps were moving a little faster and Raph had to quicken his steps in order to keep up. He could feel Leo's fingers cuff around the palm of his hand, a secure grip that meant he would never let go. It didn't lessen the blush that was still painted on Raphael's cheeks. In fact, it provoked an ongoing series of butterflies, causing Raph's stomach to toss and flip like that of a circus acrobat. He felt uneasy, but before he could pull his hand back from Leo's grip, they stopped.

What he saw in front of him was truly, remarkably, breathtaking.

The clearing where he and Leo stood was pretty open, save for the few dusty, paint-chipped wooden benches pushed vicariously in random spots. There weren't enough to cover the space, making Raph believe that some of them were hauled away, leaving the more damaged and dirtier ones behind. Some were vandalized with graffiti markings while others were just in desperate need of a new paint job and some sanding. Aside from that, they were pretty sturdy.

To the far left of the clearing was a medium-sized shack, the sign hanging above it dangling from its rusty hinges. Like the benches, the paint covering the shack was horribly chipped and had it not been for the sign reading 'Snack Bar', Raphael would've had no idea what it was. It looked pretty empty, which wasn't surprising seeing as any food left behind would've been devoured by woodland animals or disposed of by humans. However, Raph could see a litter of napkins and straws strewn across the counter, along with some leaves and twigs that must've fallen from the trees hovering above the shack.

Across from the snack bar were four tall, wooden outhouses; two marked female and two marked male. They weren't painted, but vandalizers wasted no time covering them with lewd graffiti markings. One of the female outhouses was also roughly pushed down into the dirt. But what instantly caught Raphael's eye was the towering, surprisingly unharmed theater screen at the end of the clearing.

"Is this … is this a drive-in?"

"Mmm, kind of," said Leo, walking through the twigs, dirt, and fallen leaves. "Back in the early nineties, this place used to be really popular. Parents would bring their children, teenagers would bring their dates, and old couples would come to bask in the nostalgia of outdoor movie theaters. Every weekend, this place would be packed, showing eighties classics like The Breakfast Club or old black and white films like The Big Sleep or Harvey. And every Friday was Disney/Pixar night."

Raphael could see it – could picture a moment back when this place was alive and filled with families and couples. He could smell the popcorn wafting through the air, could listen to the sound of children laughing while they chased each other through the trees, all hyped up on candy and soda. He pictured moms and dads snuggling next to each other on the benches, keeping a close eye on their kids while sharing a soda. And up on the big screen, he could imagine cartoony characters of concession stand snacks dancing around and reminding the audience to refill their popcorn and soda before the movie started. It was a glorious vision and Raphael could only imagine how awesome the real deal would've been had this place stayed open.

"So, if it was so popular, why'd they shut it down?"

Leonardo frowned. "Once indoor movie theaters started getting more upscale, this place lost more and more customers until it was eventually shut down in 2007. The Rec Center had plans to build it back up, but they kept running into licensing and budgeting issues. So, until they find the time and resources to fix it up, it just lays here, abandoned."

"So how'd you wind up finding out about it?" Raphael asked, his brow quirked curiously.

Leonardo stared out into the clearing, his eyes landing fondly on the untouched theater screen. "April likes doing research on places like this. Rundown factories. Neglected buildings. Abandoned parks. She likes to read up on their history and picture them in their prime, back when they were popular and filled to the brim with people and commotion. A couple of months ago, she stumbled across this place while doing a research paper on To Kill a Mockingbird and, ever since then this has been our favorite place to come to."

"You come here quite often then?" Raphael asked, ignoring the cheesy grin his brother flashed his way. "Shut up, that was not a pick up line."

Leonardo laughed, walking through the clearing towards the worn out concession stand. "April usually likes to come here a lot whenever she has to do a research paper for her English Lit class or watch a historical documentary for History. I've tagged along a couple of times, but I have stumbled across here once or twice whenever I've needed to."

Raphael nodded his head, even though Leo's attention was turned towards the screen. It didn't surprise him that he wasn't the only one who needed a means of escape when times got tough. And even after all the crap Leo would give him about storming off on his own to blow off some steam, Raphael really couldn't blame his older brother for turning around and doing the same thing. The burdens Leo carried were great, twice the struggles Raph ever had placed on his shoulders. He knew Leonardo was always going through some sort of inner struggle, whether it be within the family or what was going on in the city with the Shredder and Karai and the Purple Dragons and the Foot Clan and any other enemies they happened to form since the moment they started going topside. It was a lot to carry, so in a way, Raph was glad Leo had a little place of sanctuary to come to. A place to blow off some steam and forget about all that was happening in the world. Even if it was just for the duration of a two hour movie.

Raphael cleared his throat, nodding his head towards the projector screen to get Leo's attention. "So, uh, what kind of movies are we working with here?"

Smiling excitedly, Leonardo held up a hand before rushing towards the concession stand, leaving Raph to stand there puzzled and confused. Leaning over the counter, he reached in and pulled out a large cardboard box, filled to the brim with round movie tins that really put some weight to the box from the way Leo was struggling with it. Rushing to his side, Raph helped his brother carry the box, bringing it to one of the benches before setting it gently on the ground.

"Back when April and I found this place, we searched all throughout the city to see if anyone still sold old movie reels. It took some time, but eventually we came across this old hole-in-the-wall hipster coffee shop and bought as many reels as we could," Leo explained, digging through the box and pulling out tin after tin. "Some are really old black and white films, but there's a few gems in here too like Taxi Driver and Chinatown. Oh! And The Searchers! This is a John Wayne classic!"

Raphael chuckled, resting his arm atop of his knee. "Never would've pegged you for a movie buff, Leo. Although I guess it makes sense, seeing as Space Heroes really speaks to your old soul."

"Space Heroes isn't that old, Raph," Leo smiled, waving up the movie canister of The Searchers excitedly. "Come on. I know you're really going to like this movie. John Wayne makes up the entire film with his amazing performance and gung-ho attitude throughout the entire movie. Plus it's got action and gun fights galore. What do you say?"

"You had me at action and gun fights." Raphael grinned, motioning for Leo to start up the film.

He made himself comfortable on the bench while Leo fiddled with the projector, aligning it perfectly so that picture wasn't too out of focus or crooked. With the shade of the trees surrounding them around the clearing, it made the picture nice and bright without the beaming lights of the city overpowering the light of the projector. After a few more modifications, the movie started up, flashing the beginning credits and playing the intro music. Happy with his progress, Leo rushed to the bench and planted himself excitedly next to Raph, his eyes transfixed on the screen like a little kid watching his favorite TV program. It was cute and Raphael couldn't help but smile fondly at his brother during the first couple minutes of the movie.

Throughout the course of the night, Raphael couldn't believe how much he had learned about Leonardo. After living with someone his entire life, one would think he'd know Leo like the back of his hand. But the truth of the matter was, he didn't. There was still so many little tidbits he didn't know, like Leo's love for movies, or his little adventures with April, or the fact that he was a John Wayne fanatic, apparently. He didn't know about any of this until tonight and yet he knew Leo for the whole duration of his life. How could someone living in the same household be such a stranger?

He felt a twinge of guilt, realizing that the differences he had with his brother drifted them so far apart. They used to be close at one point in time, but after realizing his true feelings, Raphael thought it best to distance himself as much as a he could. Did that make things any better? No. All it did was cause the two to fight and hate each other. But now, out here in Central Park, Raph could see that it didn't have to be that way throughout the rest of their lives. Now that Leo knew of his feelings, they could work something out. They could get through this, battling through the obstacles that Raphael still came across from time to time. It was a work in progress, but sitting here, next to his brother in a worn down outdoor movie theater, Raph knew he wouldn't want it to go any other way.

Feeling bold, he shifted in his seat a little, stretching his arms before scooting himself a little closer. At first, he didn't think Leo noticed, so he took the opportunity to scoot closer. And closer. With his head cocked curiously, Raphael offered his brother a shy smile, leaning back against the bench as if nothing had happened. But after noticing the lack of distance between them, Leonardo put two and two together and smiled, lifting up his arm and wrapping it around his brother's frame. It was a soothing gesture, one Raphael welcomed with open arms. But the moment he felt a little tug against him, he realized Leo wasn't just resting his arm, he was pulling him closer. And that caught the hothead completely off guard.

Bodies pressed as closely as possible, Leonardo and Raphael looked at each from just a hairs breath away, their shoulders touching and faces merely inches apart. They could feel the warmth radiating from their faces, unsure of what to say or do or even think at this point. Raph could feel Leo's fingers shaking from the arm he had wrapped around him and although his demeanor appeared stoic and calm, he could see the fear awash in Leo's dark, cerulean eyes, wondering if it matched the same look he held in his dark green eyes. He didn't know, nor did he even care to find out. Right now, all he cared about was Leo and those dark, blue eyes.

"Is-" Leo started, his voice shaky and sounding almost out of breath. "Is this alright?"

"Y-Yeah," Raphael squeaked, clearing his throat before adjusting himself to a more comfortable position. "Yeah, this is alright."

"Good," Leo answered, his eyes flicking from Raphael's eyes to his mouth to his cheeks and back again. The sound of gunshots and Comanches wailing and screaming could be heard in the background, but the two didn't seem to notice, too transfixed with one another to pay attention to the movie in front of them. They sat like that for what felt like hours, staring at each other with half-lidded eyes. Raphael felt nervous, unsure of whether he should say something or do something or just lay as still as board, waiting for Leonardo to make the first move. He wanted to know what his brother was thinking, what was going on in that head of his. But in a matter of seconds, after shifting his body and causing Raph's heart to shoot up into his throat, Leonardo turned away, his focus now back to the screen, already almost a quarter of the way through the movie.

Unsure of what had just happened, Raphael leaned against the bench and released a breath he didn't know he was holding in, eyes flicking back and forth in confusion. And although he and Leo were no longer face to face, their bodies were still in close proximity, their shoulders pressed against each other with Leo's arms still holding Raph's frame securely close to him. He could feel the warmth of his brother's body mingle with his own, relaxing and soothing like the warmth of a cozy blanket. His fingers were also not shaking anymore, making Raph believe that Leo had finally relaxed himself.

The night continued on just like that, both Leo and Raph snuggled against each other while watching gunfights and horse chases and everything a classic old Western film had to offer. It felt nice, curled up against Leonardo. It felt good, having his arm wrapped tightly around Raphael's frame.

But most of all, it all felt so right.


End file.
